the calm after the storm

Yes I know that the old saying actually goes, "the calm before the storm."

In a way it is almost like my whole life has been chaos, and survival mode. Well maybe not my entire life, but from the time that wintery day rolled around in November and my father lost the fight to cancer, it has been chaos.

There has been good, I don't want to pass over that. But there has been bad, and when you are in the middle of it the bad always overpowers the good, or the bad just clouds your vision from seeing the good.

Grief looks so different for everyone. My family is a prime example of that. There were six of us, and we had all just lost our dad, but the way we all coped was so different. Some of that is contributed to the age variations we all were, but in the end it all looked/looks different.

Honestly, it is like my dad dying was the first domino to fall and after that everything just kept falling. It has been funeral after funeral. It has been rehab after rehab. Tears and more tears. Doubt and more doubt. Fear and more fear.

The list could go on...

I don't want a pity party, or a comparison game of "my life has been harder than yours." That is not the point of this post. The point of this post is so if you are the one that feels like the calm will never come that you can be encouraged that the calm will in fact come.

I know that sometimes it feels like it is one thing after another. My little brother looked at me one night through tears and said, "Adria why does everything bad happen to our family?"

I've been waiting, waiting for twelve years to be able to say, "we are all okay."

Today, today I can finally say we are all okay.

With my oldest brother coming home from rehab next week, the last prodigal is returning home.

Last night my oldest sister and her husband were over and we were looking through old pictures and crying laughing, and I kept taking pictures and sending them in our family group message. It was then that I realized that the calm had finally settled over my family. Why did a group message make me realize that? Because for so long a group message with all of us in it has not even been possible.

My family has this obsession with Lord of the Rings. The author of those books, Tolkien, has this quote that says.....

"It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end… because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing… this shadow. Even darkness must pass.”

Maybe that is you today. Maybe you are wondering how could the end be happy when there has been so much bad. How can life go back to the way it was?

Maybe that is you, because that has been me. For twelve years I have wondered how life would ever go back to the way it was. The way it was when everyone was in the same place for holidays. The way it was when the emptiness of someone missing didn't feel so heavy that you can barely breathe. The way it was when every night didn't consist of tears. Maybe you are wondering just like I wondered.

But in the end, this storm, it is only a passing thing.

-Anna is now happily married and expecting her second child.
-Allison is an amazing fourth grade teacher.
-Joseph will come home next week and finish up getting his degree at Georgia Tech.
-Jonathan lives in Idaho where he is living his dream working on a ranch.
-I am in college at Clayton State, working part time, and coaching volleyball.
-Jacob will be a senior next year and just started his very first job.

And my mom, the one who has loved every one of us through it all, is in Mexico this week! That is a big deal. True proof that things have calmed down, and boy didn't she deserve that trip.

So, to you, to the one who is waiting for the calm. Hold on.

It might be days.
It might be weeks.
It might be years.

But even darkness must pass.

And until it does, keep singing His praise.

"Even when the fight seems lost I'll praise You
Even when it hurts like hell I'll praise You
Even when it makes no sense to sing
Louder then I'll sing Your praise." Hillsong United

What a journey it has been for my family, and I am not naive, I know it will continue to be a journey. But this I know to be true, Jesus is our hiding place, our shelter within the storm. He is the foundation that my family has stood on, the only thing that has kept us from crumbling.

That day will come.

That day when you will be okay.

When that day comes, what a story you will have to tell.

When that day comes, you will look back and see Jesus has been faithful all along.

Press on.

Living to the Fullest.

I took on this pressure this year. The pressure was birthed from the insecurity I found myself having because I was that “stay at home” college student. I would see pictures of game days, or of the latest school event and with every picture I could feel myself beginning to doubt my choice of staying home more and more.

I admit, I can throw a pretty good filter on an instagram picture and make my life look like on a day-to-day basis that I am the most adventurous person in the world.  But lets be real for a second, most days you are going to find me in tennis shoes, with my hair thrown on top of my head and doing the most normal things you could do in a day. But do I ever post stuff like that? No. Because I have felt this need to make people think I wasn’t some loser (sorry can’t think of any other word) that does nothing but go to school and come home, now granted I don’t do that, but I had to prove myself.

Sometimes I wonder.

I wonder if I am living life to the fullest.

But I learned really fast that out of all the wondering I was doing, none of it was wondering about what I should have be wondering about. 

Wonder: to be curious to know something.

You see, the only thing we should wonder about is Jesus. The only thing we should desire to know is Jesus.

I went on the adventure of a lifetime this year. I skipped a week of class, oops, and jumped on a plane and found myself at the Grand Canyon. It’s one of those things that you see it in movies and pictures but when you see it in person it changes you.  It was so breathtaking that it almost looked fake. As we hiked, hiked, and hiked some more I remember thinking to myself, “yep I am living life to the fullest.”

There is something about creation that does something to us. You know what I am talking about. We watch a sunset and we ask ourselves how people could ever doubt there is a God. We hike the Grand Canyon and remind ourselves that God is so much bigger than it all. But so rarely do we remind ourselves that out of all things in creation, the mountains, the seas, the waterfalls, the stars, God chose to make us in His image. We are His most beautiful creation. We surpass any place we go ever go see in the world. 

I got a little side tracked there.

During our hike back up the canyon I struggled, to the point where I didn’t think I was going to make it back up to the top. I went from “I am living it up” to  “I think I am going to die.” You probably think I am being dramatic but it was physically and mentally the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I kept asking the girl I was with, “where do we have to get to?” and she just kept telling me the top. But you couldn’t even see the top. I would make it around a corner and only be able to see the next corner. We hiked and hiked and hiked, and even when we got to the home stretch I couldn’t tell where the top was.  When I got to the top I remember thinking…

[You never know what is around the corner. It could be everything. It could be nothing. It could be the top. It could be just another hill. But you keep putting one foot in front of the other and then before you know you look back and you have climbed a mountain.]

It didn’t matter how fast I moved, which wasn’t very fast. It didn’t matter if I sprinted to the top; all that mattered was that I kept moving.  Walking with Jesus can be so hard sometimes, and Jesus made it so clear to me that day that He doesn’t care how fast or how slow we move, He just wants us to keep taking steps.

I love how the Lord works sometimes. I had just got back from a place where I really was posting instagram pictures that showed the world just how much I was living it up, and a place where I wasn’t wondering about any of those question I had been asking myself, but instead was just amazed by all that the Lord was teaching me. It was when I came back to the normal everyday life, when that pressure that was so heavy was released.

For ten weeks on Tuesday nights I did a bible study for senior girls. It was the last time we were going to be meeting, and we were sitting out under the stars as I prayed over them and the fulfillment that my heart felt was like nothing it had ever felt before. I knew that God was so graciously reminding as He has so many times that I am exactly where I am suppose to be, and I knew that in a way He was gently whispering into my ear, speaking over my life, and reminding me that living life to the fullest isn’t about how cool you can make yourself out on instagram, or being adventurous, or traveling the world… living life to the fullest is surrendering ourselves to live right in the middle of what the Lord’s will for our life is, because it is there that we find the satisfaction that nothing else will give us.

Friends, let me be the first to encourage you. The life that is watching Netflix on Friday nights is just as important, and significant as the person who is preaching to a crowd on a Friday night. God just wants a willing heart, a heart that will say “yes.” It is the little things, sending someone an encouraging text, asking someone to lunch, or just showing someone you care. It is the little things that you will find out are the big things. So don’t play the comparison game with your life. If you are living right where God wants you to be than you are living life to the fullest. He doesn’t care about the extravagance, He just cares you keep taking steps towards Him.

I am that girl who finds herself watching Netflix on Friday nights sometimes, but I know I am living right where I am suppose to be, and that is enough.

Jeremiah 33:16

“the motto for this city will be “God has set things right for us.”

Today, wonder not about anything but knowing Jesus more. Wonder not about “am I doing enough?” Wonder not dear friends, because God will set things right, and He will put you right where you are suppose to be, and it is there that you will be able to truly live.

Here is to not caring about how cool my life looks to instagram, and to resting firm in the fact that all I need to do is keep taking steps, because one day I am going to look back and see that I was climbing.

Why Duke?

Disclaimer: This isn't a spiritual post.

I like to think I am sort of athletic. I mean I played softball for eight years, decided to switch to volleyball randomly, and then found myself winning a state championship in that. I dipped into basketball for the heck of it, but that wasn't my thing. Oh and I played soccer... okay, I played in a game one time because the school was desperate for players. Weekends covered in dirt or weekends covered in floor burn, whatever it was I didn't care, I just loved sports. If it wasn't for a shoulder injury I would be playing college volleyball somewhere, but that isn't what God wanted for my life. That is a story for another time.

My brother's like to joke and tell me that I am a "scrub" or whatever language you guys come up with, and they talk so much smack to all the time. At times it get frustrating, but over the years I have learned to dish it back. My go to is always "I was voted most athletic in high school." 

My family is extremely athletic. Not to sound conceited or anything, but we are. My Dad was an incredible athlete. My oldest brother won world series after world series in baseball. By world series I mean like the real deal world series, like Puerto Rico and Iowa. My sister played traveling softball for years, both of them coached by my Dad. 

That is something I envied for a long time. Because let me just say, I love my Mom but the woman had no idea what was happening most of the time I was playing. In short, sports are just what you do with your Dad. There were lots of days spent looking at my friends with their dad's before games, or after, and that, well, that sucked.

I promise I am getting to the point. 

My Dad loved Duke basketball. When he was alive I always knew that, but I never really got into it. He was an avid fan of Coach K. I could go on for days. Are you catching my drift? The man loved Duke.

My oldest brother started getting into it more and more after my dad died. His dream was to go to school there. He applied, got deferred and then ended up not getting in. If you know my brother, you know that the kid is a legitimate genius, and I am not just saying that. That was totally off topic, but just know Duke is a really hard school to get into. 

Then my little brother started getting into it. I slowly started watching the games, just because I wanted to hang out with my brothers. It has just been in the past couple years that I have really kept up. By keeping up I mean I spend spare time looking up stats and next year recruitments when I should be paying attention in school. My guy friends always joke with me that they have never met a girl who knows so much about college basketball. (Insert emoji of girl with her hand propping up her hair here)

I was on a walk with my mom the other day and she asked my why I liked Duke basketball so much. I had never really even thought about it. But, then it all made sense.

Saturday nights in the living room with my brothers talking back and forth about sports, screaming at the TV, yeah that happens, text messages with them about the latest Duke news, that is a dream for me. Those are the moments that replace such heartache of the absence of my dad at all my games growing up. No they aren't father daughter moments, but they are special moments. It isn't the same, but it is as close as I will ever get. 

Then there is this. When someone dies, you are left with memories, and even those sometimes start to fade. But Duke basketball, that is a part of my Dad that can't ever die. He was known for it, cause let's get real there aren't a lot of Duke fans in Georgia. It's a little part of him that my brothers and I get to hang on to. 

Basketball season is my favorite time of the year. Watching games with my brother's, those are my memories that take the place of the ones I didn't get chance to have with my Dad. Duke basketball, that is something I will pass on to my kids... a little part of my dad to live on. 

A Duke fan?

Yeah, there is no denying that. But underneath it all is just a girl who loves sports, and wants to have a little piece of her dad every now and then. 

So with that... Go Duke. 

Choosing Gratitude.

Sometimes I start to write a post and constantly find myself hitting the backspace button over and over, because I really just don’t know what to say. This is one of those times. A post I feel should be filled with so much heartache, but I am instead finding so much gratitude in my heart. 

Some say that time heals all things, but I completely disagree. Time doesn’t heal things, but if we allow it, time can shift the attitude of our hearts. That is what I have learned over the past 12 years.

My father said goodbye to this world, and hello to heaven, but today, the day before the clock strikes midnight and it officially has been twelve years, I choose gratitude.

I choose gratitude for the little things, like my love of every sport known to man, for my sense of competitiveness, for my ability to talk to just about anyone, for the joy that I find in the simplest things. All things my dad installed in me.

I choose gratitude for the big things, like the understanding of how important family is, for the ability to have confidence to speak up when no one else will, to go the extra mile for someone just because, and above all, to love Jesus, because He is what matters in this life. All things my dad taught me.

Gratitude says look at what has been, instead of what hasn’t been.

There have been many moments that I would find myself whispering into the night, through tears, the simple wish for him to just be here for something.

To see me play softball or volleyball.

To see me step on a stage in front of thousands of people and speak.

To see me coach my first game.

But when I stopped long enough and asked Jesus to help me see the good, I started to realize…all the things I so desperately wanted him to be here for, where all things that he played such a part in.

I wouldn’t have played sports if he hadn’t made me fall in love with them.

I wouldn’t have stepped onto that stage that day if he hadn’t taught me to be bold.

I wouldn’t have decided to be a coach if I hadn’t watched him be one for so many years.

I stopped looking at was wasn’t there of him, and started looking at what was there of him… in me.

And in all of it, there has been Jesus. Every step He took up to Calvary was Him ensuring that despite my earthly father not being here, I would still go through life with someone to call Father. He established a place where cancer couldn’t win. He gives us hope through the promise of heaven.

I choose gratitude because of the parts of my dad that live on through me.

I choose gratitude because cancer doesn’t get to win.

I choose gratitude because I have never once been fatherless, and never once walked this journey alone.

I choose gratitude because there was death, but there has been much life.

“You're a good, good father.

It's who You are, it's who You are,

it's who You are.

And I'm loved by you.

It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am.”

-HouseFires

Jesus, I am sorry for questioning you.

Confusion starts as single gust of wind but then spirals into a tornado quicker than you could ever imagine. Doubt is one wave crashing into the shore, but then rapidly becomes a hurricane. When one of them or both of them enter into our lives the only thing they bring about is destruction. But at the center of both that tornado and hurricane are simply unanswered questions.

Car crashes, gravesides, addiction, miscarriages, cancer… the list could go on on. In this life it in inevitable at one point or another we will stare face to face with something that leaves us with questions we never thought we would have to ask. It is when we don’t find the answers to those questions that doubt and confusion take a seat on our hearts and they sit back and watch the destruction let loose.

And for those of who have been there, we can all agree that everyone seems to know the answers you are searching for, but more than you wish for answers you wish people would just for a lack of better words, shut up.

Job gets it.

[Job 16:1-4] 

If you were in my shoes:

I’ve had all I can take of your talk.
What a bunch of miserable comforters!
Is there no end to your windbag speeches?
What’s your problem that you go on and on like this?
If you were in my shoes,
I could talk just like you.
I could put together a terrific harangue
and really let you have it.

I am just going to pause and say an amen real quick to all of what Job just said.

Let me give you a little background info for where we are at right now with Job. Most of us know the story of Job. Here in chapter 16 Job is having a conversation with Eliphaz and Temaninte. Eliphaz and Temaninte are trying to make sense of Job’s hardships for Him. But like we read above Job gets to the point where he just can’t take it anymore. He is tired of the long speeches and all their talk. It is when he gets to this point that Job is honest in a way most of would never be.

[Job 16: 12-16]

All was well with me, but he shattered me;

He seized me by the neck and crushed me.
He has made me his target;
his archers surround me.
Without pity, he pierces my kidneys
and spills my gall on the ground.

Again and again he bursts upon me;
he rushes at me like a warrior.

I have sewed sackcloth over my skin
and buried my brow in the dust.
My face is red with weeping;
dark shadows ring my eyes….

Maybe you have been there. Maybe you have felt shattered, or crushed. Maybe you have felt like you had a target on you and everything was aiming straight at you. Maybe your face has been red because of weeping.

Job chapters 16-37 are filled with complaints, with questions, with confusion, and with doubt. Job doesn’t hold anything back… but “finally, God answered Job from the eye of a violent storm.” (Job 38:1)

The Lord tells Job it is His turn to ask the question. (Job 38:3)

[Job 38: 4-11]

Where were you when I created the earth?

Tell me, since you know so much!
Who decided on its size? Certainly you’ll know that!
Who came up with the blueprints and measurements?
How was its foundation poured,
and who set the cornerstone,
While the morning stars sang in chorus
and all the angels shouted praise?
And who took charge of the ocean

when it gushed forth like a baby from the womb?
That was me! I wrapped it in soft clouds,
and tucked it in safely at night.

Jesus shows Job that He was listening to every cry that ever left his mouth. He shows him that He has heard all his questions. Jesus is saying to Job that he needs to stop for a moment and look at all that He has already done and remember all that He is able to do and ask himself can he do any of that.

But Jesus is also telling us that today.

He wants us to stop and look at all that He has done and be reminded of all that He is able to do.

The question most time is “how could God let this happen?”

But I think the real question today is “how could we question a God that is so much greater than ourselves?”

[Job 42:1-6]

I’m convinced: You can do anything and everything.

Nothing and no one can upset your plans.
You asked, ‘Who is this muddying the water,
ignorantly confusing the issue, second-guessing my purposes?’
I admit it. I was the one. I babbled on about things far beyond me,
made small talk about wonders way over my head.
You told me, ‘Listen, and let me do the talking.
Let me ask the questions. You give the answers.’
I admit I once lived by rumors of you;
now I have it all firsthand—from my own eyes and ears!
I’m sorry—forgive me. I’ll never do that again, I promise!

Job admits his stupidity in questioning Jesus. He realizes he spoke of things that were far beyond his knowledge, and then he repents.

Most of the time our questions are things that even if Jesus answered we would still not understand because His ways are higher than ours. His ways are incomprehensible

How different would our lives look if we realized when we question Jesus we are the ones in the wrong, not Him.

I am giving you and me full permission to be as honest as Job was and to ask as many questions that you need to ask, but I am challenging us to not let our hearts stay in that place.

Let’s learn from Job that you can be shattered, crushed, and your eyes can be red with weeping. You can be in a place that has your life screaming questions at Jesus, but you can move back to the place of knowing He can do anything and everything, and knowing nothing and no one can upset His plans.

But Job only got there through repentance.

Have your tornado of confusion.

Have your hurricane of doubt.

Ask your questions.

But then repent.

This is Why: Part II

For those of you who know me, or keep up with my blog you know all about the first "this is why" post and how unexpectedly it took off and spread like wildfire. For those of you who don't know the story you can read it here. Part I 
(you are going to want to read that before this.)

However, today I have a new story for you.

I have entered into a whole new season of life this year. I started college three weeks ago and that in itself is a whole new world. I also entered into my first season of coaching volleyball for my old high-school. My days go a little like this..... class, drive to practice, eat lunch will driving to practice, practice for two hours, dinner, homework, shower (sometimes), bed, and then wake up and do it all over again. Throw in a game once or twice a week, which means late nights and homework being started after 10 o'clock and you have my week. To sum it up, I think I am always tired, and I am always trying to catch up. Talk about a wake up call. This time last year I would wake up every single day and struggle to find something to do. I went from one extreme to another, and from being tired of the rest to longing for rest.

Don't get me wrong, I am loving every second of this new chapter. It might be crazy, but sometimes crazy is good. But the past week or so I have found struggle because the business has taken away the countless hours out of the week that I used to spend with a precious 8 year old girl and her brothers (the same little girl mentioned in the other post). I would see instagram post their mom would put up of the kids and I would feel so full of shame, because Satan was whispering in my ear, "you left them." But Satan does't get the last word. Jesus ensured that when He hung on the cross on top of calvary. When He spoke out, "it is finished," He was also telling Satan he was finished.

I love the girls I get to coach, but from the get go there has been one that I was just drawn to. We just clicked. She is a junior so technically she isn't suppose to be on my team, but because she just transferred from a public school to a private school she wasn't eligible to play varsity. Lets just stop right there for a second.... she shouldn't even be on my team, but she is.

This past Saturday we played in a tournament at Norcross Highschool. But leading up to Saturday I had a player call me last minute and tell me she wasn't coming, and another one tell me Friday night that she was sick. My stress level was through the roof. When my alarm went off at 5:30 Saturday morning I was flat out just irritated. I didn't want to go. Oh and on top of all of that, we didn't have keys to our bus so we were late to our game, and the gym we were playing in didn't have air condition.

But, the day went on.

After our first game we had an our break, so the girls were all sitting at a table in the lunchroom eating some snacks, and I was just small talking with some of the parents.

I sat down across from the mom of the girl I told you earlier about, the one I just clicked with. She had just met my mom the night before at the football game. That is crazy in itself because my mom never goes to football games, but she did that night because my niece was performing in the half time show. One thing led to another, and somehow I ended up showing her a picture of my family, and was telling her who everyone looked like. After pointing to my older brother and saying, "he looks just like my dad did," she then asked me, "did your dad pass away?" I answered, "yes mam, when I was eight." Expecting a typical response of, "I am so sorry," she looked and me and said, "did my daugher tell you her dad died when she was nine?"

déjà vu huh?

I looked at her mom with a blank stare because I instantly understood. The same way I understood why I was so drawn to a little girl in a 1st grade tent, I understood why I was drawn to a 17 year old girl on a volleyball team. I then told her mom the story of how this has happened to me before, and how I knew there was something about her daughter all along, but that I couldn't pin point it, and she sat in just as much amazement as I did.

For this to happen once in someones life is one thing, but it to happen twice... whoah.

My heart that was so full of shame was stripped of all shame, and was filled with the simple phrase once again, "this is why." Granted my heart still misses that little girl, and I know she will forever be a part of my life, but Jesus has made it so clear to me that my story, and my life isn't just meant to be shared with one person. If I let Him, He wants to make Himself known not to just one person, but to many. Your story isn't just meant to be shared with one person. Your story is meant to be shared with every person. 

I knew that when I walked into this new chapter that it was exactly where Jesus wanted me to go, but I didn't really understand why He was asking me to step away, for a time, from 3 kids that I knew I had been called to. But a 17 year old girl answered my question. 

In a way it was also Jesus saying, "hey, I know you think you are here to make these girls better volleyball players but you are here for so much more than that."

The beautiful thing was that I simply didn't want to go to this tournament, as bad as that is. Everything was going all wrong. I was mad, tired, and it was the last place I wanted to be.... but it was the exact place Jesus wanted me to be.

Jesus has made is so clear to me that even the days that leave us questioning not only ourself but sometimes even questioning Him are not excluded from the days He wants to reveal Himself to us. On the worst of days, Jesus is near. 

A dear friend told me one night in his kitchen this Summer that, "sometimes one calling ends, so another calling can begin." 

That's it.

Maybe Jesus is calling you somewhere right now but you are fighting it, and questioning it because you know that where you are is where at one time you were confident Jesus wanted you to be. That might be the case, but my friend said it best... sometimes one calling ends, so another can begin. 

Isaiah 43:17-19

"This is what God says,
the God who builds a road right through the ocean,
who carves a path through pounding waves,
The God who summons horses and chariots and armies—
they lie down and then can’t get up;
they’re snuffed out like so many candles:
Forget about what’s happened;
don’t keep going over old history.
Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new."

[Be alert. Be present. I am about to do something brand-new.]

Be alert friends, Jesus wants to do something new. Don't find yourself in love with being comfortable. But instead be willing to go at all times. Be ready for the "new."

And when you take that step of faith into the "new" and begin to question, lean it. He will answer. He will show you... "this is why."