That was the very prayer I wrote down in my journal right after making the decision to not go to college straight after high-school, but to instead just take a year off.
With uncertainty dominating every part of me, the journal posts that followed were filled with such doubt. I felt so defeated. I was walking into the unknown while my friends were establishing majors and joining sororities. I needed Jesus to intervene and remove from my heart what I thought, and replace it with the truth of who He was/is.
Today, as I look back on this year. He did just that.
[By walking through the unknown, I found the one I desperately needed to know.]
In days that could have been spent in the library, at football games on Saturdays, and the other endless things college kids do, were instead spent digging as deep as I could to the promises of His faithfulness. I had no other choice, because when I stopped being dependent of what He promised, my eyes would start fixating on all that wasn't happening, instead of focusing on all that was promised to happen.
Am I saying that my year was 10x better than those of you who did go to college, or those of you who didn't take a year off? Absolutely not. What I am saying is that as scary as the unknown is there is beauty to be found within it. The unknown, the wilderness, the desert, whatever you want to call it, all means the same thing.... it is just you and Jesus, and there is no better place to be.
Was every day this year spent by me experiencing some new revelation of who Jesus is, nope. Some days were spent with me feeling that there was no way that my brokenness could be shattered into any more pieces, but then it would. Some days were spent with me not believing at all that Jesus was faithful. If we are honest, not all of us always choose to cling to scripture in the hard days. Some of us aren't even capable to hear the truth that scripture contains when the darkness in hovering over. I found myself in those days more this year than I ever imagined. But it was in those moments that slowly the realization started to resonate that.....
When I am unsure, He is so sure.
When I don't know, He knows.
Colossians 2:2-3
"I want you woven into a tapestry of love, in touch with everything there is to know of God. Then you will have minds confident and at rest, focused on Christ, God's great mystery."
God clearly tells us in scripture that He wants to take us to that place where we are in touch with everything there is to know about Him. Do I know everything there is to know about God? Nope. But last year He led me to the decision to not go to school. He led me straight into times engulfed with darkness. He led me into the unknown, but He ultimately was leading me straight to Him, and that is where I found myself time after time. At His feet, realizing at the end of it all I don't know anything. I confessed that, and rest/rested solely in that fact; He is all knowing. The path I had to go down to get to that place was not ideal, or what I would have chosen, but where I found myself in the end was knowing and discovering Jesus in a greater way, and that is always worth it. No matter what the path you are led down to get there.
So wherever you find yourself today on your path, know that Jesus is leading you straight to Him. When your vision is clouded with doubt, when the darkness makes the path invisible, when you feel like it is all crumbling down.... keep walking. You don't have to see, you don't have to know, someone is leading you, and He is leading you straight to where you need to be.
As for me, He is leading me to start school in the fall. Yep, you read that right. This girl is going to college. I am still not positive about what I want to major in but if I learned anything this year I know that I don't have to know. I am also going to be coaching volleyball at my old high school this season, and I could not be more excited for that. For the chance to speak truth over those girls' lives, to show them Jesus, and of course help them win a couple games.
But even after everything this year....
I know there is more out there.
There is more life to live.
There is more people to meet.
But, most of all there is more of Jesus, and I want to go find it.
Enjoy the unknown, the wilderness, the desert. Explore all its wonders. Find the beauty. It is just you and Jesus, and there is no better company. Silence yourself. Listen to His voice. Let Him lead. He knows what He is doing.
Find Him.
Know Him.
