When I'm there in Your glorious presence
Every knee is bowed before You
Hear the sound of heaven singing
You are worth it all
All the saints cry holy holy
Angels singing worthy worthy
Forever I will shout Your praises
You are worth it all
I let go of all I have just to have all of You
And no matter what the cost I will follow You
Jesus everything I've lost I have found in You
When I finally reach the end I'll say
You are worth it all.
-Meredith Andrews
These lyrics struck to core of my self pity today. They took a knife into the deep part of my heart that has been telling God lately, "screw you,'' and replaced it with substantial conviction. My life hasn't been butterflies and rainbows. Reality is it has been more like gravesides and addicts. These past couple days have been extremely hard, and exhausting. There is no needs to go into details, maybe one day but not today. Just know I hate drugs, and what they do to people. I have every right to throw a self pity party for myself, and at a certain point even to my friends right? I don't and neither do you.
A friend told me last night, "Adria you suffer well." But I don't and I never have. Maybe when its over and things are okay, but when I am right smack in the middle of it my flesh takes over and I tell Jesus over and over again that I don't want do this. People would be amazed at the number of times in my journal I have written that phrase, "I don't want to do this ." But maybe that is where Jesus is trying to take me. To a place where I learn to suffer well. Where I really grasp what it says in James, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds."
I told another friend the day before through a text message:
Jesus sure is stretching my prayer life. What 19 year old has to pray the things I pray? I swear, it's not fair, and I know this is what Jesus has called me to, but right now I sure as hell wish we (my family) could catch a break.
(sorry for the language, but that is just reality sometimes)
Even after everything the 19 years of my life have entailed I still haven't learned the verse so many of us quote. [To consider it joy]. Maybe that's why I keep getting hit by things left and right, because I have never considered it joy. I feel like Jesus is up there saying to me, "daughter, what is it going to take for you to learn. I guess we will see how far I am going to have to take you until you get it."
If you are like me you are thinking how? How do you consider it joy? As you can see I haven't figured that out yet. But I think the lyrics to Meredith Andrews song entail the answer, we just have to learn to apply it.
[Jesus is worth it]
"I let go of all I have just to have all of You.
And no matter what the cost I will follow You
Jesus everything I've lost I have found in You
When I finally reach the end I'll say,
You are worth it all."
If I really believe Jesus is worth it all, it doesn't matter what I stand face to face with; I'll choose joy. If I proclaim that no matter what the cost I will follow Him then whatever He calls me to give up or give to Him will be worth it; I'll choose joy. If I believe no matter what I lose, I will still find it in Him then it won't matter what He takes from me; I'll choose joy. Because I know when I do reach the end I won't hesitate to bow before Him in His glorious presence and tell Him, "It was all worth it." But I want to be able to say that now. At the end of the hardest day I wan't to be able to say, "Jesus you are worth it all." I wan't to learn to suffer well.
Jesus, forgive us for how we respond to suffering. Teach us to suffer well. Teach us to choose joy.
A friend of mine ends every blog post he writes in the same way, "still learning," and every time I read that I love it more. That is exactly where I am right now. Still learning.....
