Knowing.

I hopped on a plane and flew to Guatemala.

I literally had no idea what I was going to do or what Jesus had in store for me. This wasn't a "mission trip," to a third world country where I was going to have a definite plan everyday. This was a, "I have the chance to go, so why not?"

I have an older friend who is currently living in Guatemala for a year, so that is what initiated the interest and ultimately lit the spark for me to jump on a plane and fly down here. Note: I have never flown by myself, let alone flown out of the country so I was extremely nervous, but all went well and I arrived safe and sound.

On a day to day basis, the girl I am staying with works at the local children's hospital with kids that are severely handicapped. I had seen pictures that she posted, and felt like I knew what to expect.... I was wrong.

As we walked down the hall, my heart started to race and I was nervous. Ever since my dad died me and hospitals just don't go together. It brings back painful memories and flashbacks that no person wants to relive. Then there they were, the kids. Kids in wheelchairs literally just sitting in the middle of what you would consider like a court yard. Toothbrushes just thrown into a bucket and the nurses just use whatever one they pick up to brush the kids teeth. Most of the kids just sitting there getting no attention what so ever because there aren't enough nurses, because they can't afford it. I have seen handicapped kids before in my life, but not like this. The thing about these kids is most of them are products of parents who were alcoholics or drug addicts which resulted in them being handicapped, so no they weren't born this way, their parents contributed to the reason. Continuously wiping tears from my eyes, because I am broken, and so overwhelmed.

[How ungrateful I am Jesus]

The only thought consistently going through my mind.

As Shelby, the girl I am staying with, got one of the girls out of her chair and was holding her, a smile bigger than you could ever imagine was thrown across her face. But how?

I am staring at a little girl who is smiling from ear to ear that can't talk, can't walk, can't even put her legs together because she has problems with her hips and I know Jesus can heal her, He is more than capable, and I have that hope. But this little girl doesn't even have the privilege to know that, and yet she also don't complain and question Him the way we do when want some type of healing, but instead joy is the expression this child is radiating.

[The ability to know Jesus has the ability to heal is something to be thankful for in itself, even if the healing you want doesn't come when you want it.]

I am the type of person, like most of you, that I just want to see. I want to see God doing something. I want to see evidence that He is being who He says He is in my life. I wan't to know He is with me.

But I am realizing that just knowing that God is who He says He is a gift we already don't deserve, so for us to want the best of both worlds to know and see is so selfish of us.

"Be still and know that I am God." -Psalm 46:10

We aren't called to see, we are called to know.

He didn't tell us to see, He told us to know.

So, today take a step back and realize the fact you have the ability to know Jesus and know what He is capable of. That is far more than enough, and far more than what some people have.

Jesus, teach us to live a life with a heart thankful that we can [know], and move us away from the attitude of always wanting to see.

Through the Valley.

My oh my, where has the time gone since the last time I blogged. Minutes turned into days, and days turned into months. As the saying goes... things just happened. In my case, life just happened. At the beginning of the new year I wrote in my journal, "Most of all there is more of Jesus, and that’s what I want to find this year."

I have found Jesus. But not just in the days bursting with beauty but in the days buried in ashes. For those close to me you know the road my life has been driving down the past couple months, and when I say driving I mean one hand on the steering wheel and the other on the arm handle... hanging on for dear life. 

Addiction is no stranger to my family, it's more of a "oh you again" kind of thing at this point. I won't go into details, because that's not my story to tell but I do believe one day that this certain story will be told. All pointing back to one thing: Jesus.

For those of you who don't anything about addiction, I can describe it in one word: darkness. 

Night filled with tears, tossing and turning, and the phrase over and over being muttered into the night, "Jesus, please just do something." But it was in those nights where every part of me was exhausted, tired, weary, that I would blast Kim Walker's song, "I still believe," and with everything it took in me I would grab a pen and scratch those words into my journal. A journal that was empty for weeks at a time, but a little phrase was all the it needed. A phrase of hope, of trust, and of faith. I still believe.

That's what Jesus has been teaching me lately. That is doesn't matter if you feel like the ashes are going to burn you alive, Jesus will do all the work. He will make all things new. Our only job.... have faith. have hope, trust Him. But because Jesus is so set apart, even when don't have the faith, He still comes through. So in those night when you just don't want to believe, when you just don't feel like you can, believe MORE. Trust more. 

"Blessed is the one who trusts you." [Psalm 84:12]

Thankfully Jesus gives us people in our lives to step in and believe alongside with us, to sprinkle hope over your life when you seemed consumed with hopelessness. I had just come off one of the hardest weeks of my life and I was sitting at a counter with a woman, in mid conversation her eyes filled with tears and she says, "I just had a vision of you running to your dad." Silent tears streamed downed my face. Here I was so exhausted, and Jesus used her to speak so clearly to me. Just run. Just run to me as you would run to you father. Just as you would in the vision she just saw. Run to me. 

"As they pass through the Valley of Baka, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength." [Psalm 84:6]

Baka is translated in weeping. You aren't meant to stay in the valley of weeping. You are just passing through. You make it. You make it to a place of springs. You go from strength to strength. I didn't pass through the Valley of Baka, I ran through the valley. Keeping my eyes on Jesus the whole time. Sometimes screaming, "I still believe,' and sometimes barely whispering it. But it didn't/doesn't matter how I said it, as long as I said it. 

I am learning that I am not entitled to anything, and I am certainly not entitled to an easy life. But I am also continuously praying that Jesus would breathe a spirit of gratitude into me, and somehow help me find something to be thankful for no matter the circumstance. So thats my encouragement to you, in the darkest of days try to find something to be thankful for. By no means am I trying to make everyone think my life is 1000 times harder than anyone else. I would never do that. This post was to suppose to serve as a: I get it. I get how hard it is to keep believing for God to show up. I get how hard it is to accept the life and the things Jesus has called you to.

[But I know if your suffering is greater than most, then your ministry will be deeper than most. Think of Jesus, He suffered far greater than any of us ever will and His ministry is the greatest ministry there will ever be.]

I get that even after so much pain, pain still comes. But that doesn't mean Jesus still isn't there, that He still isn't near. Hard days always come, and they are going to keep coming. But Jesus can still be found. Trust me. 

Jesus, help us believe. No matter how hard it is, help us believe.

"There's a name I will remember. There's a name I will proclaim. Let it be Jesus." -Christy Nockels