Learning to Suffer Well.

When I'm there in Your glorious presence

Every knee is bowed before You

Hear the sound of heaven singing

You are worth it all

All the saints cry holy holy

Angels singing worthy worthy

Forever I will shout Your praises

You are worth it all

I let go of all I have just to have all of You

And no matter what the cost I will follow You

Jesus everything I've lost I have found in You

When I finally reach the end I'll say

You are worth it all.

-Meredith Andrews

These lyrics struck to core of my self pity today. They took a knife into the deep part of my heart that has been telling God lately, "screw you,'' and replaced it with substantial conviction. My life hasn't been butterflies and rainbows. Reality is it has been more like gravesides and addicts. These past couple days have been extremely hard, and exhausting. There is no needs to go into details, maybe one day but not today. Just know I hate drugs, and what they do to people. I have every right to throw a self pity party for myself, and at a certain point even to my friends right? I don't and neither do you.

A friend told me last night, "Adria you suffer well." But I don't and I never have. Maybe when its over and things are okay, but when I am right smack in the middle of it my flesh takes over and I tell Jesus over and over again that I don't want do this. People would be amazed at the number of times in my journal I have written that phrase, "I don't want to do this ." But maybe that is where Jesus is trying to take me. To a place where I learn to suffer well. Where I really grasp what it says in James, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds." 

I told another friend the day before through a text message:

Jesus sure is stretching my prayer life. What 19 year old has to pray the things I pray? I swear, it's not fair, and I know this is what Jesus has called me to, but right now I sure as hell wish we (my family) could catch a break. 

(sorry for the language, but that is just reality sometimes)

Even after everything the 19 years of my life have entailed I still haven't learned the verse so many of us quote. [To consider it joy]. Maybe that's why I keep getting hit by things left and right, because I have never considered it joy. I feel like Jesus is up there saying to me, "daughter, what is it going to take for you to learn. I guess we will see how far I am going to have to take you until you get it."

If you are like me you are thinking how? How do you consider it joy? As you can see I haven't figured that out yet. But I think the lyrics to Meredith Andrews song entail the answer, we just have to learn to apply it. 

[Jesus is worth it]

"I let go of all I have just to have all of You.

And no matter what the cost I will follow You

Jesus everything I've lost I have found in You

When I finally reach the end I'll say,

You are worth it all."

If I really believe Jesus is worth it all, it doesn't matter what I stand face to face with; I'll choose joy. If I proclaim that no matter what the cost I will follow Him then whatever He calls me to give up or give to Him will be worth it; I'll choose joy. If I believe no matter what I lose, I will still find it in Him then it won't matter what He takes from me; I'll choose joy. Because I know when I do reach the end I won't hesitate to bow before Him in His glorious presence and tell Him, "It was all worth it." But I want to be able to say that now. At the end of the hardest day I wan't to be able to say, "Jesus you are worth it all." I wan't to learn to suffer well.

Jesus, forgive us for how we respond to suffering. Teach us to suffer well. Teach us to choose joy. 

A friend of mine ends every blog post he writes in the same way, "still learning," and every time I read that I love it more. That is exactly where I am right now. Still learning.....

Knowing.

I hopped on a plane and flew to Guatemala.

I literally had no idea what I was going to do or what Jesus had in store for me. This wasn't a "mission trip," to a third world country where I was going to have a definite plan everyday. This was a, "I have the chance to go, so why not?"

I have an older friend who is currently living in Guatemala for a year, so that is what initiated the interest and ultimately lit the spark for me to jump on a plane and fly down here. Note: I have never flown by myself, let alone flown out of the country so I was extremely nervous, but all went well and I arrived safe and sound.

On a day to day basis, the girl I am staying with works at the local children's hospital with kids that are severely handicapped. I had seen pictures that she posted, and felt like I knew what to expect.... I was wrong.

As we walked down the hall, my heart started to race and I was nervous. Ever since my dad died me and hospitals just don't go together. It brings back painful memories and flashbacks that no person wants to relive. Then there they were, the kids. Kids in wheelchairs literally just sitting in the middle of what you would consider like a court yard. Toothbrushes just thrown into a bucket and the nurses just use whatever one they pick up to brush the kids teeth. Most of the kids just sitting there getting no attention what so ever because there aren't enough nurses, because they can't afford it. I have seen handicapped kids before in my life, but not like this. The thing about these kids is most of them are products of parents who were alcoholics or drug addicts which resulted in them being handicapped, so no they weren't born this way, their parents contributed to the reason. Continuously wiping tears from my eyes, because I am broken, and so overwhelmed.

[How ungrateful I am Jesus]

The only thought consistently going through my mind.

As Shelby, the girl I am staying with, got one of the girls out of her chair and was holding her, a smile bigger than you could ever imagine was thrown across her face. But how?

I am staring at a little girl who is smiling from ear to ear that can't talk, can't walk, can't even put her legs together because she has problems with her hips and I know Jesus can heal her, He is more than capable, and I have that hope. But this little girl doesn't even have the privilege to know that, and yet she also don't complain and question Him the way we do when want some type of healing, but instead joy is the expression this child is radiating.

[The ability to know Jesus has the ability to heal is something to be thankful for in itself, even if the healing you want doesn't come when you want it.]

I am the type of person, like most of you, that I just want to see. I want to see God doing something. I want to see evidence that He is being who He says He is in my life. I wan't to know He is with me.

But I am realizing that just knowing that God is who He says He is a gift we already don't deserve, so for us to want the best of both worlds to know and see is so selfish of us.

"Be still and know that I am God." -Psalm 46:10

We aren't called to see, we are called to know.

He didn't tell us to see, He told us to know.

So, today take a step back and realize the fact you have the ability to know Jesus and know what He is capable of. That is far more than enough, and far more than what some people have.

Jesus, teach us to live a life with a heart thankful that we can [know], and move us away from the attitude of always wanting to see.

Through the Valley.

My oh my, where has the time gone since the last time I blogged. Minutes turned into days, and days turned into months. As the saying goes... things just happened. In my case, life just happened. At the beginning of the new year I wrote in my journal, "Most of all there is more of Jesus, and that’s what I want to find this year."

I have found Jesus. But not just in the days bursting with beauty but in the days buried in ashes. For those close to me you know the road my life has been driving down the past couple months, and when I say driving I mean one hand on the steering wheel and the other on the arm handle... hanging on for dear life. 

Addiction is no stranger to my family, it's more of a "oh you again" kind of thing at this point. I won't go into details, because that's not my story to tell but I do believe one day that this certain story will be told. All pointing back to one thing: Jesus.

For those of you who don't anything about addiction, I can describe it in one word: darkness. 

Night filled with tears, tossing and turning, and the phrase over and over being muttered into the night, "Jesus, please just do something." But it was in those nights where every part of me was exhausted, tired, weary, that I would blast Kim Walker's song, "I still believe," and with everything it took in me I would grab a pen and scratch those words into my journal. A journal that was empty for weeks at a time, but a little phrase was all the it needed. A phrase of hope, of trust, and of faith. I still believe.

That's what Jesus has been teaching me lately. That is doesn't matter if you feel like the ashes are going to burn you alive, Jesus will do all the work. He will make all things new. Our only job.... have faith. have hope, trust Him. But because Jesus is so set apart, even when don't have the faith, He still comes through. So in those night when you just don't want to believe, when you just don't feel like you can, believe MORE. Trust more. 

"Blessed is the one who trusts you." [Psalm 84:12]

Thankfully Jesus gives us people in our lives to step in and believe alongside with us, to sprinkle hope over your life when you seemed consumed with hopelessness. I had just come off one of the hardest weeks of my life and I was sitting at a counter with a woman, in mid conversation her eyes filled with tears and she says, "I just had a vision of you running to your dad." Silent tears streamed downed my face. Here I was so exhausted, and Jesus used her to speak so clearly to me. Just run. Just run to me as you would run to you father. Just as you would in the vision she just saw. Run to me. 

"As they pass through the Valley of Baka, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength." [Psalm 84:6]

Baka is translated in weeping. You aren't meant to stay in the valley of weeping. You are just passing through. You make it. You make it to a place of springs. You go from strength to strength. I didn't pass through the Valley of Baka, I ran through the valley. Keeping my eyes on Jesus the whole time. Sometimes screaming, "I still believe,' and sometimes barely whispering it. But it didn't/doesn't matter how I said it, as long as I said it. 

I am learning that I am not entitled to anything, and I am certainly not entitled to an easy life. But I am also continuously praying that Jesus would breathe a spirit of gratitude into me, and somehow help me find something to be thankful for no matter the circumstance. So thats my encouragement to you, in the darkest of days try to find something to be thankful for. By no means am I trying to make everyone think my life is 1000 times harder than anyone else. I would never do that. This post was to suppose to serve as a: I get it. I get how hard it is to keep believing for God to show up. I get how hard it is to accept the life and the things Jesus has called you to.

[But I know if your suffering is greater than most, then your ministry will be deeper than most. Think of Jesus, He suffered far greater than any of us ever will and His ministry is the greatest ministry there will ever be.]

I get that even after so much pain, pain still comes. But that doesn't mean Jesus still isn't there, that He still isn't near. Hard days always come, and they are going to keep coming. But Jesus can still be found. Trust me. 

Jesus, help us believe. No matter how hard it is, help us believe.

"There's a name I will remember. There's a name I will proclaim. Let it be Jesus." -Christy Nockels

Freedom.

Taking a little different approach to this blog post.... poetry.


The night was cold and dark,

The wind was wailing like a broken road.

She was quiet like winter,

and snow fell silently.

Behind her was the past,

made of chains, blood, and scars.

Thicker than the evil,

That put thousands in living death.

She couldn't stop the fear that

stings her even though she moved further

And further from the bondage that held her.

She wasn't okay,

but she pretended.

Because pretending use to be her only safety. 

She was a slave,

maybe I am to?

The past is behind me,

but the reminders are still constant.

Will He come for me,

like He came for her?

The day is warm and certain.

The wind is gentle and cooling,

I become alive when you breathe into me,

And the shackles of sin have been left behind.

You have rescued me.

Jesus doesn't care what your past is. He doesn't care about the chains that once held you captive. He doesn't care how broken the road you are traveling on is. He doesn't care about the fear you face with the idea of moving forward. He knows you are just pretending to be okay when you really aren't. He comes for you anyway. He breathes into you and the baggage falls to the ground. You become alive. He rescues you.

Dip, Cigarettes, and Jesus.

Addiction is no stranger to me. Although I have not dealt with it personally, I have come as close as you can get without actually tasting it. I have seen numerous family members, friends who have family members, and in some cases even some friends fall into it and then watch their fight to beat it begin. But the more and more I have witnessed this fight, the more my perspective has been altered.

We are so quick to judge. So quick to get angry, trust me I am guilty more than you will ever know. But Jesus is teaching me now that as Christians we are always so quick to give the answers to escape it, but sometimes that doesn't cut it.  The simple phrase, "Christ is enough," seems to solve all of life's problems. 

This phrase has become the banner of the church and the christian life.  We think this phrase will fuel a growing conviction and ultimately provide the finding everything you/we need is in Jesus and will increase someones joy and destroy the sin addictions.  But I have learned, it isn't quite that simple. 

Here’s the problem, it is absolutely true, but ultimately the saying "Christ is enough," is just a summary.  

Summary: a brief statement or account of the main points of something.

It skims over the process of how you get from point A to point B.  Saying “Christ is enough” is often used when it comes to addiction. Struggle with materialism?  Christ is enough.  Can’t stop looking at porn?  He satisfies.  Have a problem with dipping?  God is all you need.  I absolutely believe that finding satisfaction in Christ is the answer for any of our addictions.  But simply telling someone that God is all they need without showing them how to find that satisfaction does about as much good as saying nothing.  

I’ve often seen the whole “God is enough” thing illustrated in sermons by setting up two tables.  On one table is a burger, fries, and drink from McDonalds.  The other table has a feast on it.  The McDonalds combo is that sin you keep turning back to.  The feast is what Christ offers.  It would be dumb to run to the McDonalds table for something that is way less than what is on the other table. But here is the problem whether you choose the McDonalds combo or Jesus you are still satisfying the same craving, which in this case is hunger.

So yes Jesus is more than enough but these things people turn to will satisfy them, just as the McDonalds meal will, just not as much as the feast would.

I hope you see where I am going with this...

We can't just say, "Christ is enough," and expect them to instantly choose Jesus over that cigarette or the beer. We have to show them. Wanna know how to do that: you let your life reflect it.

It doesn't make you less spiritual than anyone else because you smoke, or because you dip. By no means am I saying it is our job to get someone to stop doing what they are doing. What I am saying is it our job to encourage them and let the fact Jesus does satisfy speak not only from our mouths but from our lives.

It means absolutely nothing if we tell someone something and then don't let them see how it applies in our own life.

So today Jesus, let us love people no matter where they are at. Let us not try to tell them all the answers. Let us just point them to you. Let us be addicted to you.

Dream On.

My mom encouraged my to read the book, The Last Lecture, by Randy Pausch. I willingly agreed, not planning on actually doing it. But today I read the book, the entire book.

The title of the book explains just what the whole book is about: a last lecture. A lot of professors give talks titled "The Last Lecture." Professors are asked to consider what matters most to them and before finishing their season of life that involves teaching they give their last lecture spitting out tad bits of wisdom.

But Randy's last lecture is literally is his last lecture. He is fighting pancreatic cancer, the same cancer my dad had, so you can imagine I was a blubbering mess while I read the book. But Randy does something unique, and heartfelt. He dedicates his last lecture to teaching life lessons to his kids that he won't ever get the chance to teach them. So one day when they look back they can still learn from their father. Like I said I cried the whole book. I highly highly encourage you to read the book. But one of the main ideas is Randy encouraging his kids to accomplish their dreams. Because when you strive to live a life where you accomplish your wildest dreams you are truly living.

But this book got me thinking. What are my dreams? Am I chasing them?

When the time comes for me to step out of earth and into eternity, and my loved ones silently wish for me to live, I want to to reply to their silent request and say,"I already did."

You see I wanna dream. I wanna chase my dream. I wanna really live.

You never know when the doctor will come into the waiting room and tell you that you have terminal cancer, Randy didn't. But he lived his life in a way that it didn't matter if the news came or not... He dreamed. He lived.

The question now is not can you dream, everyone can dream, but do you have the courage to act upon it? Do you have the courage to chase it? .

The Children of Israel dreamed of living in the Promised Land, but the only way to get there was through the wilderness. You will not be able to trust God for the fruition of your Dream, until you see His faithfulness in the process. But as the people walked through the wilderness, chasing their dream, they learned.

That's the beautiful part about dreaming. Even if you never accomplish what you are seeking what you learn along the way will benefit you just as much.

Numbers 13:2-3 
The Lord spoke to Moses: “Send men to scout out the land of Canaan I am giving to the Israelites. Send one man who is a leader among them from each of their ancestral tribes.” Moses sent them from the Wilderness of Paran at the Lord’s command. All the men were leaders in Israel. 

The men Moses sent out to scout the land most likely were not that excited about going, probably a little scared. But they went, they chased their dream dispite the discomfort. 

If your dream does not stretch you to the point of discomfort, it isn't big enough, fear is standing in the way

Little dreams lead to little service, but big dreams can lead to big service, so ask yourself, "How big is my dream?"

So today take a step with me. Start dreaming a dream and start chasing it. Let's truly live.

Put Down the Phone.

"Put your phone up for 2 seconds." -Mom
"Mom, I am not always on it (lying) you just always see me when I am." -me

Last night I spent the night at a families house so the mom could sleep in, therefore I was in charge of taking the kids to school. First, these kids wake up dang early. Rolled over looked at the clock, 5:45, and all 3 of them were up and ready to start the day. I slowly got out of bed, turned the tv on for the kids and went and sat in the other room. First thing I did... started looking at my phone. It is 5:45 in the morning nobody was tweeting, posting pictures on instagram, snap-chatting, or even posting facebook status. But yet I still ended up on my phone for a solid 15 minutes... and then it hit me: serious conviction.

The house is so quiet, still, and there is absolutely nothing to look at on my phone but I am still choosing to be on it...

Why?

Why wasn't my first thought to make use of the quiet and stillness and breathe in the start of a new day and start leaning into what Jesus had in store for me over the next 24 hours.

You can deny it all you want, but today almost every single one of us spend more time on our phone then we do anything else, and honestly that is completely pathetic.

So, I put down my phone, then realized we had lots of time before school and decided to load the kids up and take them to breakfast. When they were finish eating we still had about 20 minutes before we needed to leave, so I told them they could go play on the playground. Instead of me scrolling through twitter, again, I watched the kids play, and the reaction they showed to me watching them is/was such a beautiful picture of what Jesus wants from us.

Their faces lit up with joy and smiles as they looked out and saw me watching, and then they busted out in their best dance moves from behind the glass. They just died laughing and kept waving at me making sure I was still paying attention.

That is it people.

Jesus just wants our attention. He wants us to put down the phone, and look up and watch everything that He is doing, but He doesn't want to have to keep waving to make sure we are paying attention.

Now I am not saying everyone needs to fast from social media and to only spend 10 minutes a day on your phone, not at all. What I am saying is don't miss out on the little things in life because you are to busy starring at a screen. Yes, through social media we have a sneak peak into the lives of those we follow, but if we become so concerned about what everyone else is doing, we miss our own life.

Jesus has placed you where you are for a purpose, and I am 100% positive your purpose isn't to sit and stare at your smart phone. Make you goal for Jesus to stop waving at you because you are already paying attention.

So today, I am choosing fix my eyes on Jesus and not on my iphone.