For The Girls Who Want To Hear From Their Dads.

This entry was originally posted on Dearly Beloved. Check out their website for incredible doses of grace for your day. 

I sat in that chair in the movie theater while the credits rolled, and the ability to move vanished, leaving me paralyzed. The movie? Safe Haven. No, I wasn’t having another hopeless romantic moment. I was taken to a place of sudden realization and a romantic reaction was the farthest thing from my mind.

Shattered . . . that was me.

In this movie, there is a family. A dad, a mom, a daughter, and a son. If you want the whole story, just watch the movie. But there is a one specific part of the movie that took a knife straight into the broken pieces of my heart–pieces I had thought over the years had been mended back together–and shattered them back into a million more pieces. Picture a little kid who has a puzzle with 1000 pieces and overtime works a little at a time to finish it, and then some one comes along and knocks the puzzle off the table and he has to start all over again . . . that was me.

As the movie goes along the audience comes to find out that the mom passed away because of cancer when the kids were little. But she leaves her son and daughter these letters. A letter for her daughter on her wedding day. A letter for her son on his graduation day. A letter for the defining moments of their lives that she would miss, but that she wanted to somehow speak into.

Being almost 20, and living the past 11 years of my life without a father, there have been so many moments where I would have done almost anything to have my dad’s own words being spoken over my life. The night before my high-school graduation I sat in the floor of my mom’s closet looking at old pictures weeping, because the never ending desire of wanting to know “what would he say to me today” was consuming.

Anger is the raging fire that consumes the arsonist. That day I was the arsonist and I was going up in a million flames.

Why didn’t my dad write me letters?

Maybe you are like me. Maybe your dad knew that his days were numbered and yet still chose to leave behind nothing. Maybe you aren’t like me. Maybe your dad had no idea that his days were coming to end sooner than ever imagined. Maybe your dad isn’t physically gone at all, but he chooses to be. Maybe you dad is there, but he chooses everything else before choosing you.

Pick any of them, and I can assure you a daughter who has a father that is absent in any way is longing to hear something, anything.

The anger that birthed in my heart that day was a wildfire. It didn’t just take days to put out, it took months and months. My heart shifted though–a shift that was brought about by a simple thought of how many other girls were out there that were not only without a father too, but were without that same letter I dreamed of. You see, when our hearts make that shift from anger, resentment, pity, and sorrow to acceptance and compassion, our hearts soften. When our hearts soften they become open and willing to see purpose. I can’t write you that letter, but I can remind you of the letter that has already been written instead of the one that never was.

Right now you might be the mother of an 8 year old daughter who won’t read this post until she is older. Right now you might be the 15 year old girl dreading the idea of a sweet 16. Right now you might be the girl about to go off to college. Right now you might be the woman about to get married. It is in those moments that you are reminded again and again that he isn’t here.

Just know that no matter how much I can understand where you are, or relate to your circumstance, there is nothing I could ever give you that would be what you need. There is nothing I can ever say that will help. But Jesus can. He is what you need, and His words not only help they heal.

Jesus is what you need,
and His words not only help
they heal.

I didn’t have those letters like the characters in the movie. But Jesus walked with me hand in hand to where I am now maybe for one purpose . . . To assure those of you who don’t have your earthly father speaking over you on a day to day basis, and those of you who are left behind like me with nothing . . . that you are going to make it. Maybe my job is to assure the mom of that little girl . . . she is going to make it.

And this is why.

Nothing your earthly father could say will ever be enough.
But everything that Jesus says is enough.

That letter you are craving, you have it. It is available to you today and everyday. His word, His promises, that is the only letter you will ever need. That is the letter that will get you through those nights when you are thinking, “What would he say to me today?”

The only way to come out of it is to go through it. The only way to go through it is to admit that you are where you are.

For those of you who are in that state of anger do NOT be ashamed. The only way to come out of it is to go through it. The only way to go through it is to admit that you are where you are. It won’t go away over night, but rest in the fact that you have a Heavenly Father that is speaking out not only something, but exactly what you need to hear today and everyday.

This is what your Father writes to you. This is your letter.

To the girl who just needs to hear her father say her name:

“See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God…” (1 John 3:1)

He claims you as His child. He calls you His daughter.

To the girl who needs to know that she is not fatherless:

” . . . a father to the fatherless.” (Psalm 68:5)

He is your Father.

To the girl who wants her father to know how much pain she is in:

“Praise be to the Lord, to God our savior who daily bears our burdens.” (Psalm 68:19)

He not only sees your pain, He bears it with you.

To the girl who feels like her father doesn’t listen:

“You, Lord, know the desired of the afflicted, you encourage them, and listen to their cry.” (Psalm 10:17)

He is listening.

To the girl who feels helpless and unprotected:

” . . . defending the fatherless, and the oppressed so that mere earthly mortals will never strike terror again.” (Psalm 10:18)

He defends you.

To the girl who longs to have her father hold her:

“If you’ll hold on to me for dear life,” says God, “I’ll get you out of any trouble. I’ll give you the best of care if you’ll only get to know and trust me. Call me and I’ll answer, be at your side in bad times.”(Psalm 91:14-16)

That letter we thought was never written . . . it was written. Read it. Believe it. Cling to it. Breathe it in.

Remember,  His words are greater than anything anyone could offer you.

He knows.

Jesus my heart is scared but I know you protect me. My heart is unsure, but I know you are truth. My heart is longing, but I know you satisfy. Here is my heart Lord, speak truth over me.

That was the very prayer I wrote down in my journal right after making the decision to not go to college straight after high-school, but to instead just take a year off. 

With uncertainty dominating every part of me, the journal posts that followed were filled with such doubt. I felt so defeated. I was walking into the unknown while my friends were establishing majors and joining sororities. I needed Jesus to intervene and remove from my heart what I thought, and replace it with the truth of who He was/is. 

Today, as I look back on this year. He did just that.

[By walking through the unknown, I found the one I desperately needed to know.]

In days that could have been spent in the library, at football games on Saturdays, and the other endless things college kids do, were instead spent digging as deep as I could to the promises of His faithfulness. I had no other choice, because when I stopped being dependent of what He promised, my eyes would start fixating on all that wasn't happening, instead of focusing on all that was promised to happen.

Am I saying that my year was 10x better than those of you who did go to college, or those of you who didn't take a year off? Absolutely not. What I am saying is that as scary as the unknown is there is beauty to be found within it. The unknown, the wilderness, the desert, whatever you want to call it, all means the same thing.... it is just you and Jesus, and there is no better place to be. 

Was every day this year spent by me experiencing some new revelation of who Jesus is, nope. Some days were spent with me feeling that there was no way that my brokenness could be shattered into any more pieces, but then it would. Some days were spent with me not believing at all that Jesus was faithful. If we are honest, not all of us always choose to cling to scripture in the hard days. Some of us aren't even capable to hear the truth that scripture contains when the darkness in hovering over. I found myself in those days more this year than I ever imagined. But it was in those moments that slowly the realization started to resonate that.....

When I am unsure, He is so sure. 

When I don't know, He knows.

Colossians 2:2-3

"I want you woven into a tapestry of love, in touch with everything there is to know of God. Then you will have minds confident and at rest, focused on Christ, God's great mystery." 

God clearly tells us in scripture that He wants to take us to that place where we are in touch with everything there is to know about Him. Do I know everything there is to know about God? Nope. But last year He led me to the decision to not go to school. He led me straight into times engulfed with darkness. He led me into the unknown, but He ultimately was leading me straight to Him, and that is where I found myself time after time. At His feet, realizing at the end of it all I don't know anything. I confessed that, and rest/rested solely in that fact; He is all knowing. The path I had to go down to get to that place was not ideal, or what I would have chosen, but where I found myself in the end was knowing and discovering Jesus in a greater way, and that is always worth it. No matter what the path you are led down to get there.

So wherever you find yourself today on your path, know that Jesus is leading you straight to Him. When your vision is clouded with doubt, when the darkness makes the path invisible, when you feel like it is all crumbling down.... keep walking. You don't have to see, you don't have to know, someone is leading you, and He is leading you straight to where you need to be. 

As for me, He is leading me to start school in the fall. Yep, you read that right. This girl is going to college. I am still not positive about what I want to major in but if I learned anything this year I know that I don't have to know. I am also going to be coaching volleyball at my old high school this season, and I could not be more excited for that. For the chance to speak truth over those girls' lives, to show them Jesus, and of course help them win a couple games.

But even after everything this year....

I know there is more out there. 

There is more life to live. 

There is more people to meet.

But, most of all there is more of Jesus, and I want to go find it.

Enjoy the unknown, the wilderness, the desert. Explore all its wonders. Find the beauty. It is just you and Jesus, and there is no better company. Silence yourself. Listen to His voice. Let Him lead. He knows what He is doing.

Find Him.

Know Him. 

Come and See.

Because we took that one bite from the tree of evil, we caused our own blindness. In an instant we carved out the ability to see anything as whole. We no longer saw God as someone we could trust. We no longer saw His goodness. We saw nothing.

Nothing took complete dominion. Now everywhere we look we only see what isn't. We see deficiency. We see the holes. We see all that has been taken from us. We see the emptiness. We see the nothing. 

But Jesus came and became the nothing so we could see everything. 

This does not excuse us from stepping into something that will blind us once again.

But it ensures that there is something to see at the end of it. 

1 Corinthians 2:7, "His secret purpose framed from the very beginning is to bring us to our full glory." 

That which completely rips open your soul, causing more pain than you thought was thinkable. That which slashes holes into your heart, leaving an emptiness inside that you think you have been doomed to forever. That which splatters your sight, withdrawing all but the dark of the night. 

Those holes may actually become the thin open places to see through the shambles. To glimpse through the chaos of this world and to see the beauty beyond. Just as a child peeps through the bottom of a door trying to discover what lies behind, we peep through the holes, our wounds, to discover what is beyond. We discover Him. We see Him. The God who we endlessly crave. The God who we cry out for. The God who answers. The God who makes the blind see.

Glance through the deepest holes. Glance through the pain. Step out of the nothing. Step out of the dark. Step into the light. Be free. Be healed. He sees you.

See Him. 

Learning to Suffer Well.

When I'm there in Your glorious presence

Every knee is bowed before You

Hear the sound of heaven singing

You are worth it all

All the saints cry holy holy

Angels singing worthy worthy

Forever I will shout Your praises

You are worth it all

I let go of all I have just to have all of You

And no matter what the cost I will follow You

Jesus everything I've lost I have found in You

When I finally reach the end I'll say

You are worth it all.

-Meredith Andrews

These lyrics struck to core of my self pity today. They took a knife into the deep part of my heart that has been telling God lately, "screw you,'' and replaced it with substantial conviction. My life hasn't been butterflies and rainbows. Reality is it has been more like gravesides and addicts. These past couple days have been extremely hard, and exhausting. There is no needs to go into details, maybe one day but not today. Just know I hate drugs, and what they do to people. I have every right to throw a self pity party for myself, and at a certain point even to my friends right? I don't and neither do you.

A friend told me last night, "Adria you suffer well." But I don't and I never have. Maybe when its over and things are okay, but when I am right smack in the middle of it my flesh takes over and I tell Jesus over and over again that I don't want do this. People would be amazed at the number of times in my journal I have written that phrase, "I don't want to do this ." But maybe that is where Jesus is trying to take me. To a place where I learn to suffer well. Where I really grasp what it says in James, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds." 

I told another friend the day before through a text message:

Jesus sure is stretching my prayer life. What 19 year old has to pray the things I pray? I swear, it's not fair, and I know this is what Jesus has called me to, but right now I sure as hell wish we (my family) could catch a break. 

(sorry for the language, but that is just reality sometimes)

Even after everything the 19 years of my life have entailed I still haven't learned the verse so many of us quote. [To consider it joy]. Maybe that's why I keep getting hit by things left and right, because I have never considered it joy. I feel like Jesus is up there saying to me, "daughter, what is it going to take for you to learn. I guess we will see how far I am going to have to take you until you get it."

If you are like me you are thinking how? How do you consider it joy? As you can see I haven't figured that out yet. But I think the lyrics to Meredith Andrews song entail the answer, we just have to learn to apply it. 

[Jesus is worth it]

"I let go of all I have just to have all of You.

And no matter what the cost I will follow You

Jesus everything I've lost I have found in You

When I finally reach the end I'll say,

You are worth it all."

If I really believe Jesus is worth it all, it doesn't matter what I stand face to face with; I'll choose joy. If I proclaim that no matter what the cost I will follow Him then whatever He calls me to give up or give to Him will be worth it; I'll choose joy. If I believe no matter what I lose, I will still find it in Him then it won't matter what He takes from me; I'll choose joy. Because I know when I do reach the end I won't hesitate to bow before Him in His glorious presence and tell Him, "It was all worth it." But I want to be able to say that now. At the end of the hardest day I wan't to be able to say, "Jesus you are worth it all." I wan't to learn to suffer well.

Jesus, forgive us for how we respond to suffering. Teach us to suffer well. Teach us to choose joy. 

A friend of mine ends every blog post he writes in the same way, "still learning," and every time I read that I love it more. That is exactly where I am right now. Still learning.....

Knowing.

I hopped on a plane and flew to Guatemala.

I literally had no idea what I was going to do or what Jesus had in store for me. This wasn't a "mission trip," to a third world country where I was going to have a definite plan everyday. This was a, "I have the chance to go, so why not?"

I have an older friend who is currently living in Guatemala for a year, so that is what initiated the interest and ultimately lit the spark for me to jump on a plane and fly down here. Note: I have never flown by myself, let alone flown out of the country so I was extremely nervous, but all went well and I arrived safe and sound.

On a day to day basis, the girl I am staying with works at the local children's hospital with kids that are severely handicapped. I had seen pictures that she posted, and felt like I knew what to expect.... I was wrong.

As we walked down the hall, my heart started to race and I was nervous. Ever since my dad died me and hospitals just don't go together. It brings back painful memories and flashbacks that no person wants to relive. Then there they were, the kids. Kids in wheelchairs literally just sitting in the middle of what you would consider like a court yard. Toothbrushes just thrown into a bucket and the nurses just use whatever one they pick up to brush the kids teeth. Most of the kids just sitting there getting no attention what so ever because there aren't enough nurses, because they can't afford it. I have seen handicapped kids before in my life, but not like this. The thing about these kids is most of them are products of parents who were alcoholics or drug addicts which resulted in them being handicapped, so no they weren't born this way, their parents contributed to the reason. Continuously wiping tears from my eyes, because I am broken, and so overwhelmed.

[How ungrateful I am Jesus]

The only thought consistently going through my mind.

As Shelby, the girl I am staying with, got one of the girls out of her chair and was holding her, a smile bigger than you could ever imagine was thrown across her face. But how?

I am staring at a little girl who is smiling from ear to ear that can't talk, can't walk, can't even put her legs together because she has problems with her hips and I know Jesus can heal her, He is more than capable, and I have that hope. But this little girl doesn't even have the privilege to know that, and yet she also don't complain and question Him the way we do when want some type of healing, but instead joy is the expression this child is radiating.

[The ability to know Jesus has the ability to heal is something to be thankful for in itself, even if the healing you want doesn't come when you want it.]

I am the type of person, like most of you, that I just want to see. I want to see God doing something. I want to see evidence that He is being who He says He is in my life. I wan't to know He is with me.

But I am realizing that just knowing that God is who He says He is a gift we already don't deserve, so for us to want the best of both worlds to know and see is so selfish of us.

"Be still and know that I am God." -Psalm 46:10

We aren't called to see, we are called to know.

He didn't tell us to see, He told us to know.

So, today take a step back and realize the fact you have the ability to know Jesus and know what He is capable of. That is far more than enough, and far more than what some people have.

Jesus, teach us to live a life with a heart thankful that we can [know], and move us away from the attitude of always wanting to see.

Through the Valley.

My oh my, where has the time gone since the last time I blogged. Minutes turned into days, and days turned into months. As the saying goes... things just happened. In my case, life just happened. At the beginning of the new year I wrote in my journal, "Most of all there is more of Jesus, and that’s what I want to find this year."

I have found Jesus. But not just in the days bursting with beauty but in the days buried in ashes. For those close to me you know the road my life has been driving down the past couple months, and when I say driving I mean one hand on the steering wheel and the other on the arm handle... hanging on for dear life. 

Addiction is no stranger to my family, it's more of a "oh you again" kind of thing at this point. I won't go into details, because that's not my story to tell but I do believe one day that this certain story will be told. All pointing back to one thing: Jesus.

For those of you who don't anything about addiction, I can describe it in one word: darkness. 

Night filled with tears, tossing and turning, and the phrase over and over being muttered into the night, "Jesus, please just do something." But it was in those nights where every part of me was exhausted, tired, weary, that I would blast Kim Walker's song, "I still believe," and with everything it took in me I would grab a pen and scratch those words into my journal. A journal that was empty for weeks at a time, but a little phrase was all the it needed. A phrase of hope, of trust, and of faith. I still believe.

That's what Jesus has been teaching me lately. That is doesn't matter if you feel like the ashes are going to burn you alive, Jesus will do all the work. He will make all things new. Our only job.... have faith. have hope, trust Him. But because Jesus is so set apart, even when don't have the faith, He still comes through. So in those night when you just don't want to believe, when you just don't feel like you can, believe MORE. Trust more. 

"Blessed is the one who trusts you." [Psalm 84:12]

Thankfully Jesus gives us people in our lives to step in and believe alongside with us, to sprinkle hope over your life when you seemed consumed with hopelessness. I had just come off one of the hardest weeks of my life and I was sitting at a counter with a woman, in mid conversation her eyes filled with tears and she says, "I just had a vision of you running to your dad." Silent tears streamed downed my face. Here I was so exhausted, and Jesus used her to speak so clearly to me. Just run. Just run to me as you would run to you father. Just as you would in the vision she just saw. Run to me. 

"As they pass through the Valley of Baka, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength." [Psalm 84:6]

Baka is translated in weeping. You aren't meant to stay in the valley of weeping. You are just passing through. You make it. You make it to a place of springs. You go from strength to strength. I didn't pass through the Valley of Baka, I ran through the valley. Keeping my eyes on Jesus the whole time. Sometimes screaming, "I still believe,' and sometimes barely whispering it. But it didn't/doesn't matter how I said it, as long as I said it. 

I am learning that I am not entitled to anything, and I am certainly not entitled to an easy life. But I am also continuously praying that Jesus would breathe a spirit of gratitude into me, and somehow help me find something to be thankful for no matter the circumstance. So thats my encouragement to you, in the darkest of days try to find something to be thankful for. By no means am I trying to make everyone think my life is 1000 times harder than anyone else. I would never do that. This post was to suppose to serve as a: I get it. I get how hard it is to keep believing for God to show up. I get how hard it is to accept the life and the things Jesus has called you to.

[But I know if your suffering is greater than most, then your ministry will be deeper than most. Think of Jesus, He suffered far greater than any of us ever will and His ministry is the greatest ministry there will ever be.]

I get that even after so much pain, pain still comes. But that doesn't mean Jesus still isn't there, that He still isn't near. Hard days always come, and they are going to keep coming. But Jesus can still be found. Trust me. 

Jesus, help us believe. No matter how hard it is, help us believe.

"There's a name I will remember. There's a name I will proclaim. Let it be Jesus." -Christy Nockels

Freedom.

Taking a little different approach to this blog post.... poetry.


The night was cold and dark,

The wind was wailing like a broken road.

She was quiet like winter,

and snow fell silently.

Behind her was the past,

made of chains, blood, and scars.

Thicker than the evil,

That put thousands in living death.

She couldn't stop the fear that

stings her even though she moved further

And further from the bondage that held her.

She wasn't okay,

but she pretended.

Because pretending use to be her only safety. 

She was a slave,

maybe I am to?

The past is behind me,

but the reminders are still constant.

Will He come for me,

like He came for her?

The day is warm and certain.

The wind is gentle and cooling,

I become alive when you breathe into me,

And the shackles of sin have been left behind.

You have rescued me.

Jesus doesn't care what your past is. He doesn't care about the chains that once held you captive. He doesn't care how broken the road you are traveling on is. He doesn't care about the fear you face with the idea of moving forward. He knows you are just pretending to be okay when you really aren't. He comes for you anyway. He breathes into you and the baggage falls to the ground. You become alive. He rescues you.