Nothing.

Does the often repeated cry for God to do something sometimes feel like a scream. And what if we can't find any other means of delivery but then just that, a scream. Even then, God is not far from the voice of our roaring; for He does not regard our prayers, but His own Spirit's work in them excited by the desire of our hearts. Speak honestly. Realize that your cries out for help are our are statements of faith and belief in who God says He is, and that He is the only answer. 

Lately, the way I feel could be summed up into one word; nothing. 

There have been multiple times I have started to write and I have no words. Absolutely nothing.

September 9,2013

"Jesus, the words aren't coming. I feel like the pages of my life are blank right now. I feel like i'm doing nothing. Teach me to wait. But more than that, teach me to be expectant even when I feel like nothing is coming."

{Isaiah 58:12}

"Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called repairer of broken walls, restorer of streets with dwellings."

ancient ruins: a state of nothing

foundations: the start

repairer of broken walls: the process/ working

streets with dwellings: Jesus turned absolutely nothing into everything.

All great things start from nothing, and then slowly turn into something. Being in the state of "nothing" isn't bad, it means you can be available for Jesus to turn your nothing into anything. I still have full confidence in the decision I made to not go to school, despite where I am at right now, because I know Jesus has something coming for me. What it is I still couldn't tell you. But I believe it. 

I believe Jesus will turn nothing into something.

ashes to beauty.

nothing to something. 

Isaiah 61:13

David to a King.

a nobody to a somebody.

2 Samuel 5:1-3

Dry bones to life.

nothing to something.

Ezekiel 37.

Psalm 139:15

"....how I was sculpted from nothing into something." 

Jesus became the ultimate "nothing" on the cross, to give us all a chance to become something. 

All because He became nothing.

I became a daughter.

I became loved.

I became cherished.

I received purpose.

I received mercy.

I received grace.

I have life.

All because He was willing to become nothing. 

So Jesus, turn my nothing into something like you have so faithfully done time after time. Teach to me accept where you have called me to be right now, and to be right where I am at, even if that requires me waiting patiently for what is next. Use my nothing, and turn it something that will glorify you in everything. 

“Nothing, Everything, Anything, Something: If you have nothing, then you have everything, because you have the freedom to do anything, without the fear of losing something.” -Jarod Kintz

College?

The famous question, "Where are you going to college."

My famous answer, "I don't know."

Going into your senior year, prepare yourself to be asked a million times, "what's next?" Some people know. They know exactly where they wanna go to school. They know what their calling in life is. But if you are like me, I didn't/don't know what's next. Some people give you the "are you serious" look, others have respect to the fact you are vulnerable enough to admit it. However, you find respect from few.

Through my senior year, Jesus literally blew my heart up, over and over. Things happened I would have never dreamed, which is such a picture of the how Jesus ALWAYS does the immeasurably more, even when you don't expect it, let alone even think about it. Then the Summer came. Being busy is an understatement, but Jesus opened doors for me that have led to opportunities some people only dream about. Yep, there where times I had to be on my face before the Lord and beg Him to give me the courage to take the next step. But, these opportunities have/are shaping and molding me into what Jesus wants me to be. But senior year ended, summer ended. So what's next?

Notice how I said what HE wanted me to be. Hate to step on anybody's toes, but it doesn't matter what you want, it matters what Jesus wants. We so often recite the Lord's prayer out of Matthew, and I think we say it but don't surrender to what we are praying; "let your will be done." Those words literally mean, "Okay Jesus whatever you want."

Thats my prayer right now. Jesus, whatever you want.

So. All of my friends are packing up and going off to college. Moving into their dorm, and starting classes, and I am sitting at home. Yep, i'm not going to school first semester.

I know, you are probably thinking, "I would be so stressed if I was her." There have been times where I literally think about it so much that its exhausting. But Jesus has placed this verse on my heart the past couple weeks, Ezekiel 37:3, "... Sovereign Lord, you alone know." I would wake up in the middle of the night not able to sleep and would find myself saying this phrase of that verse over and over.

[You alone know]

One day after I had thought about this verse for days and days I decided to tear it apart. Jesus what are you trying to tell me.

You: Jesus.

Alone: exclusive from anyone or anything;incomparable.

Know: to have understanding of importance; to have experienced, or be familiar with.

In other words, "you alone know" means:
Jesus, you are incomparable, apart from anyone else, and you have understanding of the most important things because you have experienced the life we live.

So there is the answer to my question, and to so many others.  I don't know what's next, but Jesus knows, and I have full confidence that He will lead my life exactly where it needs to go.



Jesus, I will follow you, wherever you lead me. Let you will be done in my life. Whatever YOU want. Because I know, You alone know.

I am.

Jesus it's your story. 

I am a simple life with an amazing God. I am a vessel and a voice of Jesus, King of Kings, Lord of Lords.  And the only reason worth living for, is to know Him as He unveils Himself to me and through me in a real trench-life. I have given up labels and claims. I am what He makes me and is making me. I am His mystery-unfolding and He holds all the knowledge of what that is and is not. Of what that will be and how He will make Himself known in this life, He alone sees. The vision of my hopes lie buried in His Ability. I do know what my calling and purpose is: love my God above all, with all. Then love those given to me. I am about Him. I am here for Him. He is my life, my all, my only.

This is why.

Job 9:10, "He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed."

That verse right there sums up everything I am about to tell you.

Being a part of Passion City church there has been some crazy things happen that Jesus has orchestrated and has blessed me in more way than possible, but I think this, actually I know, that this tops them all.

[Door-holder] someone who makes it possible for others to come in. Someone who serves, because they have been served.

When I first started the process of applying to be a door-holder I asked the Lord to use me as much as He could wherever He placed me. He answered the prayer.

So often when we pray we think we are obligated to see the result, or to see some type of proof that God is listening and working. But shouldn't we be focused more on having a posture of thanks to the fact we serve a God that even makes it possible for us to communicate with Him. Then when those moments happen that we are privileged enough to see a prayer that was in our hearts surface to life we should be overwhelmed. Blown away. That is me right now.

Back to being a door-holder. I ended up serving in passion kids. My first week I was in Kindergarden girls and absolutely loved it, and thought this is exactly where I am suppose to be. But God had other plans. The next week I was in the first grade girls tent. If you know me, you know that I absolutely love kids. It is no secret. But out of all the little girls in my tent there was one that stood out, one that I was drawn to more than the others. However, I didn't know why. I knew she was an absolute sweet heart, she listened, she responded, and she was always the last one to leave, meaning I got to spend more time with her than the other girls. But, I knew in my heart there was something special about her.

I didn't think anything else about it, until the next sunday I served in passion kids. The little girl walks in, I am instantly super excited. After we hear the lesson, come back to the tent and finish talking over what all we learned today, I start talking to the little girl. She tells me all about her weekend and all that she did. Out of curiosity I ask what her parents do, what kind of jobs they have. She answers, "well my mom doesn't work, and my dad used to have a job but he died last year."

At the time Louie was in the series "Passion and Purpose," so I had been asking the Lord to show me my purpose in the things I do. In that moment the innocent 7 year old girl muttered the words," he died," I knew my purpose.  I knew why I was moved from Kindergarden girls to first grade. I knew why I was drawn to her. I knew why she was special. She was me. I understood her, and she was placed in my tent so I could tell her that. That I understood.

Crazy huh? How the Lord made all of this happened. Well, it gets crazier.

After all this, I wanted so desperately to talk to her mom, and tell her all that had happened. But the opportunity just never presented itself. But, last night after the 5 o'clock gathering her mom stopped me and we began to talk. She thanked me for being so good to her daughter, and I began to tell her the story of my dad. I tell her how I had just turned 8 in October and then my dad died in November.  She asks if I can remember what day, I tell her. The same exact day her husband died. The same exact day this little girl lost her father. The same day I lost my father. With both of our eyes filled with tears we are both at a loss for words. This is not a coincidence. This is God. This is an answered prayer.

When we lose a loved one we embark on a journey of the question, "Why?" Why us? Why my dad? Why did you do this? We might never get the answer we want, but God shows us little things, puts us in certain situations to where we say, "this is why."

10 years later.
One little girl. The same age as I was. The same day. Standing face to face with her mom who is reflecting Jesus without speaking any words. I know; This is why.

I can show this little girl there is hope. That she will be okay. That I was once her.
That she is not fatherless.

I can tell her that someday she will say, "this is why."

"We are Yours, forever we are Yours. Faithful Father."

Jamaica.

One week.

One team.

One goal.

One love.

One God.

I am going to try to put into words my trip to Jamaica, but no amount of words will ever be enough. 

Jamaica to most, including myself, is thought of as a beautiful beach and sunshine. Which don't get me wrong it is beautiful, but Jamaica is so much more than that. The beauty isn't in the beaches, or the scenery. The beauty is in the people. 

We step off the plane monday afternoon, first thought... HUMID. We are greeted by the missionaries we will be staying with and the pastor of the church we will be serving along side. We load the buses, and the week begins.

I had a lot of doubt going into this week. But the instant a sweet little Jamaican boy named Deshaun (guessing on the spelling) wrapped his arms around me and told me he was so happy I had come, all doubt was removed and replaced with joy. 

Tuesday morning came early. We eat breakfast and prepare for the day. One group will go to the home of a member of the church and help work on their house. My group will go to the home of the Pastor's that has been destroyed by termites and do whatever we are told. Now when I say house, some of our living rooms are bigger than the homes these people live in. But they are more grateful for the little they have than any of us are for everything we have. 

Let me just say us American are lazy. No offense to anyone, but we are. The work ethic of these people would blow your mind. We mixed concrete and were told anytime we get it on us to rinse it off because it will burn, while we are doing so the Jamaicans are mixing the concrete, standing in it barefoot. Not complaining at all. Isn't that how our walks as Christians should be. Every time something happens, we stop, we produce some type of anger or resentment towards the Lord and question His perfect plan for our lives. Why? Because we want the pain to go away. But what if we were like the Jamaicans. What if we just kept going. We didn't stop to wash off the concrete. 

Don't you love how God works. It wasn't a sermon or a church service that revealed to me the first thing the Lord wanted me to learn in Jamaica. 

It was by the people.

After every day we worked we would come home and be greeted by kids. Tired, exhausted, and sunburnt, but the instant you would see one of those kids smile and all of a sudden you could go a little bit longer. I think Jesus works like that as a reminder, just when you think you can't go anymore He reminds you, you can. He lets you feel weak and exhausted, just so you can realize how much we need to depend on Him. 

It was by the people.

As a kid, Easter egg hunts were the second best thing to Christmas morning. Some of the kids we were with had never experienced an easter egg hunt. That moment when they rushed out of the church and begin to sprint to pick up the eggs will be a moment I won't ever forget. They displayed excitement. They would run up to us and show us how many eggs they had found and then run to someone else and tell them. They painted a picture for me. Shouldn't that be us? Shouldn't we run to people, tell them what we have found. We have found Jesus. But we don't stop at the first person, we run to the next.

It was by the people. 

Jesus revealed himself to me in more ways then I mentioned, but I think that this is the biggest point He wanted me to realize; that He is always going to be enough. Something I have been told over and over, and even professed but never fully grasped, until now. Why now? Because of the people. 

Beginning to see the common thread here. It was always the people. It was the kids wrapping their arms around me. It was the men working as hard as they did and never stopping. It was the people having nothing but being happy. Why? Because Jesus was enough for them.

Monday morning came. Packed up and ready to go. Hugs begin and so do the tears. The people have changed my life more than I could ever change theirs. I came to serve them, but they served me more. I came to bless them, and they blessed me more. But most of all, I came to love them like Jesus did, and they loved me more. 

It was the people. 

Sweet Deshaun, looks up at me with eyes filled with tears and says He is glad I came. The first words he told me but not the last, because while we were there precious Deshaun accepted Jesus as his Savior.    

As I hold back tears even now, one thought comes to mind. Immeasurably more. 

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us." Ephesians 3:20 

Beautiful.

Girls.

We desire to possess a beauty that is worth pursing, worth fighting for, a beauty that is the core to who we are, and a beauty of our own.

But what we so often forget is that we do have a beauty that is pursued  Every day the Lord wants us to have an intimiate relationship with Him. We have a beauty that was fought for, years ago when Jesus give it all up and died on the cross. He didn't just fight for you, He died for you. We have a beauty that is the core to we are are. Proverbs 4:23, "guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life."  Why? Because the Lord knows our hearts are the core to who we are. Our hearts define our faith, our hope, our courage, and how we love. Your heart is by far the most important, and the most beautiful thing about you. We have beauty of our own, Psalms 139:13, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb." 

Ruth might have been a beautiful woman, but it is her faith and continued desire to follow the Lord that attracts Boaz.

Esther is the most beautiful woman in her land, but its her bravery and good heart that moves the King to spare the people.

What do these women do that we don't? 

They set their hearts not on the things in front of them, they weren't satisfied when someone called them beautiful. They set their hearts above, they were not only be satisfied but completed knowing that the one above called them beautiful. 

Don't you see it. You are beautiful. You are LOVED.

Take Eve. Usually when we think of Eve, we think; the one who ate the apple. What we don't realize is that Eve was the final work of God. She completed creation. Not a random addition, not an afterthought, but the final touch. Next time you feel like you are not important, look out across the earth and tell yourself, "this would not be complete without me." 

You make me beautiful 

You make me stand in awe 

You step inside my heart, and I am amazed 

I love to hear You say 

Who I am is quite enough 

You make me worthy of love and beautiful. - Bethany Dillion

Who are you?

You are God-designed. 

You are Lavishly Loved. 

You are a Princess. 

Your Father is the King.

You are a daughter of the King of the universe.

You are beautiful.

Getting There.

Is there a God?
Is He involved in my world?

Our belief in God, usually at one point leads to one of the biggest lies Satan can make us believe, "If there is a God then where is He in all the bad?" Satan's plan is to extinguish our faith and our love for God just as He did to Eve.

Don't we all think sometimes God gives us problem for us to solve, and then we slowly realize that we never find the answers. We never solve the problem. The Lord doesn't give us problems for us to solve, the Lord gives us problems to drive us to Him so He can show us who He is, and we can realize He is the solver.

Isaiah 9:6
"For to us a child is born,to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called, Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."

When I think of a counselor I think of someone who doesn't show you how to deal with your feelings but instead helps you realize what your feelings really are. The Holy Spirit has been my counselor. He is taking me back into my pain and loss and I find myself seeing differently. God is taking me back, back to the 8 year old little girl; fatherless. Even though I love the Lord and strive to have a daily relationship with Him, He is slowly starting to show me this enormous barrier not only to Him but also to myself.

I am beginning to see that my problem is that I have tricked myself into thinking that I have fully accepted my fathers death, and that I don't blame God. When deep down a part of me still hates him. Now as I write this today, this is something the Lord is just starting to show me. I had no idea I was still refusing the loss of my father. But the eight year old little girl in me is still mad, still hurt, and still broken.

Revelation 1:18
“I hold the keys to hell and to death.”

God is showing me that He did take my father, I blame Him and He is guilty. But He is also showing me that if I honestly believe He is good, then I will believe that my father's death was good. Our response to life when things happen, either by man's doing or by satan's, is to believe that God is not really who He says He is, and to believe He isn't good. We will never have the ability to love a God that we believe by any measure will ever not be good, and has never been anything but good to us. We can't trust a God we don't believe is bigger than the pain.

If you know me on a pretty personal level you know that I am extremely hesitant to become close to any man, or a "father figure" and up until today I thought I was so scared something would happen to them just as it did my Dad. But I am realizing it's not the men, its not the fear. It is me not trusting God. It is me going back to the eight year old little girl, abandoned, and thinking God was the one who did it.

Now usually when I write, I have gone through a phase in life and overcome it, this isn't like that. This is process that God is just starting to lead me through. We all have our definition of what we think love is, but my prayer is that I realize the love God has for me is far greater than what I think it is. Because real love is exposing, and that's what the Lord is starting to do in my life. Expose. Not even to others, but first to my self.

Whatever comes into your life, if you will praise quickly, immediately, it is saying, “I believe that God is good and God is sovereign.”

The hardest thing we will ever do is not admit that God is real, or that God loves us for who we are. The hardest thing we will ever do is admit He is Sovereign.

So how do I get there?
I have to Surrender to HIS story that He is writing in my life, and then I have to repent of my belief's that I had, about who He is and what He has done.

"If God is good, my dad dying is good."

I am not there yet, and you might not be either. But that means one thing, God is coming for you; just like He is me and I WILL get there and so can you.