Jesus, I am sorry for questioning you.

Confusion starts as single gust of wind but then spirals into a tornado quicker than you could ever imagine. Doubt is one wave crashing into the shore, but then rapidly becomes a hurricane. When one of them or both of them enter into our lives the only thing they bring about is destruction. But at the center of both that tornado and hurricane are simply unanswered questions.

Car crashes, gravesides, addiction, miscarriages, cancer… the list could go on on. In this life it in inevitable at one point or another we will stare face to face with something that leaves us with questions we never thought we would have to ask. It is when we don’t find the answers to those questions that doubt and confusion take a seat on our hearts and they sit back and watch the destruction let loose.

And for those of who have been there, we can all agree that everyone seems to know the answers you are searching for, but more than you wish for answers you wish people would just for a lack of better words, shut up.

Job gets it.

[Job 16:1-4] 

If you were in my shoes:

I’ve had all I can take of your talk.
What a bunch of miserable comforters!
Is there no end to your windbag speeches?
What’s your problem that you go on and on like this?
If you were in my shoes,
I could talk just like you.
I could put together a terrific harangue
and really let you have it.

I am just going to pause and say an amen real quick to all of what Job just said.

Let me give you a little background info for where we are at right now with Job. Most of us know the story of Job. Here in chapter 16 Job is having a conversation with Eliphaz and Temaninte. Eliphaz and Temaninte are trying to make sense of Job’s hardships for Him. But like we read above Job gets to the point where he just can’t take it anymore. He is tired of the long speeches and all their talk. It is when he gets to this point that Job is honest in a way most of would never be.

[Job 16: 12-16]

All was well with me, but he shattered me;

He seized me by the neck and crushed me.
He has made me his target;
his archers surround me.
Without pity, he pierces my kidneys
and spills my gall on the ground.

Again and again he bursts upon me;
he rushes at me like a warrior.

I have sewed sackcloth over my skin
and buried my brow in the dust.
My face is red with weeping;
dark shadows ring my eyes….

Maybe you have been there. Maybe you have felt shattered, or crushed. Maybe you have felt like you had a target on you and everything was aiming straight at you. Maybe your face has been red because of weeping.

Job chapters 16-37 are filled with complaints, with questions, with confusion, and with doubt. Job doesn’t hold anything back… but “finally, God answered Job from the eye of a violent storm.” (Job 38:1)

The Lord tells Job it is His turn to ask the question. (Job 38:3)

[Job 38: 4-11]

Where were you when I created the earth?

Tell me, since you know so much!
Who decided on its size? Certainly you’ll know that!
Who came up with the blueprints and measurements?
How was its foundation poured,
and who set the cornerstone,
While the morning stars sang in chorus
and all the angels shouted praise?
And who took charge of the ocean

when it gushed forth like a baby from the womb?
That was me! I wrapped it in soft clouds,
and tucked it in safely at night.

Jesus shows Job that He was listening to every cry that ever left his mouth. He shows him that He has heard all his questions. Jesus is saying to Job that he needs to stop for a moment and look at all that He has already done and remember all that He is able to do and ask himself can he do any of that.

But Jesus is also telling us that today.

He wants us to stop and look at all that He has done and be reminded of all that He is able to do.

The question most time is “how could God let this happen?”

But I think the real question today is “how could we question a God that is so much greater than ourselves?”

[Job 42:1-6]

I’m convinced: You can do anything and everything.

Nothing and no one can upset your plans.
You asked, ‘Who is this muddying the water,
ignorantly confusing the issue, second-guessing my purposes?’
I admit it. I was the one. I babbled on about things far beyond me,
made small talk about wonders way over my head.
You told me, ‘Listen, and let me do the talking.
Let me ask the questions. You give the answers.’
I admit I once lived by rumors of you;
now I have it all firsthand—from my own eyes and ears!
I’m sorry—forgive me. I’ll never do that again, I promise!

Job admits his stupidity in questioning Jesus. He realizes he spoke of things that were far beyond his knowledge, and then he repents.

Most of the time our questions are things that even if Jesus answered we would still not understand because His ways are higher than ours. His ways are incomprehensible

How different would our lives look if we realized when we question Jesus we are the ones in the wrong, not Him.

I am giving you and me full permission to be as honest as Job was and to ask as many questions that you need to ask, but I am challenging us to not let our hearts stay in that place.

Let’s learn from Job that you can be shattered, crushed, and your eyes can be red with weeping. You can be in a place that has your life screaming questions at Jesus, but you can move back to the place of knowing He can do anything and everything, and knowing nothing and no one can upset His plans.

But Job only got there through repentance.

Have your tornado of confusion.

Have your hurricane of doubt.

Ask your questions.

But then repent.

This is Why: Part II

For those of you who know me, or keep up with my blog you know all about the first "this is why" post and how unexpectedly it took off and spread like wildfire. For those of you who don't know the story you can read it here. Part I 
(you are going to want to read that before this.)

However, today I have a new story for you.

I have entered into a whole new season of life this year. I started college three weeks ago and that in itself is a whole new world. I also entered into my first season of coaching volleyball for my old high-school. My days go a little like this..... class, drive to practice, eat lunch will driving to practice, practice for two hours, dinner, homework, shower (sometimes), bed, and then wake up and do it all over again. Throw in a game once or twice a week, which means late nights and homework being started after 10 o'clock and you have my week. To sum it up, I think I am always tired, and I am always trying to catch up. Talk about a wake up call. This time last year I would wake up every single day and struggle to find something to do. I went from one extreme to another, and from being tired of the rest to longing for rest.

Don't get me wrong, I am loving every second of this new chapter. It might be crazy, but sometimes crazy is good. But the past week or so I have found struggle because the business has taken away the countless hours out of the week that I used to spend with a precious 8 year old girl and her brothers (the same little girl mentioned in the other post). I would see instagram post their mom would put up of the kids and I would feel so full of shame, because Satan was whispering in my ear, "you left them." But Satan does't get the last word. Jesus ensured that when He hung on the cross on top of calvary. When He spoke out, "it is finished," He was also telling Satan he was finished.

I love the girls I get to coach, but from the get go there has been one that I was just drawn to. We just clicked. She is a junior so technically she isn't suppose to be on my team, but because she just transferred from a public school to a private school she wasn't eligible to play varsity. Lets just stop right there for a second.... she shouldn't even be on my team, but she is.

This past Saturday we played in a tournament at Norcross Highschool. But leading up to Saturday I had a player call me last minute and tell me she wasn't coming, and another one tell me Friday night that she was sick. My stress level was through the roof. When my alarm went off at 5:30 Saturday morning I was flat out just irritated. I didn't want to go. Oh and on top of all of that, we didn't have keys to our bus so we were late to our game, and the gym we were playing in didn't have air condition.

But, the day went on.

After our first game we had an our break, so the girls were all sitting at a table in the lunchroom eating some snacks, and I was just small talking with some of the parents.

I sat down across from the mom of the girl I told you earlier about, the one I just clicked with. She had just met my mom the night before at the football game. That is crazy in itself because my mom never goes to football games, but she did that night because my niece was performing in the half time show. One thing led to another, and somehow I ended up showing her a picture of my family, and was telling her who everyone looked like. After pointing to my older brother and saying, "he looks just like my dad did," she then asked me, "did your dad pass away?" I answered, "yes mam, when I was eight." Expecting a typical response of, "I am so sorry," she looked and me and said, "did my daugher tell you her dad died when she was nine?"

déjà vu huh?

I looked at her mom with a blank stare because I instantly understood. The same way I understood why I was so drawn to a little girl in a 1st grade tent, I understood why I was drawn to a 17 year old girl on a volleyball team. I then told her mom the story of how this has happened to me before, and how I knew there was something about her daughter all along, but that I couldn't pin point it, and she sat in just as much amazement as I did.

For this to happen once in someones life is one thing, but it to happen twice... whoah.

My heart that was so full of shame was stripped of all shame, and was filled with the simple phrase once again, "this is why." Granted my heart still misses that little girl, and I know she will forever be a part of my life, but Jesus has made it so clear to me that my story, and my life isn't just meant to be shared with one person. If I let Him, He wants to make Himself known not to just one person, but to many. Your story isn't just meant to be shared with one person. Your story is meant to be shared with every person. 

I knew that when I walked into this new chapter that it was exactly where Jesus wanted me to go, but I didn't really understand why He was asking me to step away, for a time, from 3 kids that I knew I had been called to. But a 17 year old girl answered my question. 

In a way it was also Jesus saying, "hey, I know you think you are here to make these girls better volleyball players but you are here for so much more than that."

The beautiful thing was that I simply didn't want to go to this tournament, as bad as that is. Everything was going all wrong. I was mad, tired, and it was the last place I wanted to be.... but it was the exact place Jesus wanted me to be.

Jesus has made is so clear to me that even the days that leave us questioning not only ourself but sometimes even questioning Him are not excluded from the days He wants to reveal Himself to us. On the worst of days, Jesus is near. 

A dear friend told me one night in his kitchen this Summer that, "sometimes one calling ends, so another calling can begin." 

That's it.

Maybe Jesus is calling you somewhere right now but you are fighting it, and questioning it because you know that where you are is where at one time you were confident Jesus wanted you to be. That might be the case, but my friend said it best... sometimes one calling ends, so another can begin. 

Isaiah 43:17-19

"This is what God says,
the God who builds a road right through the ocean,
who carves a path through pounding waves,
The God who summons horses and chariots and armies—
they lie down and then can’t get up;
they’re snuffed out like so many candles:
Forget about what’s happened;
don’t keep going over old history.
Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new."

[Be alert. Be present. I am about to do something brand-new.]

Be alert friends, Jesus wants to do something new. Don't find yourself in love with being comfortable. But instead be willing to go at all times. Be ready for the "new."

And when you take that step of faith into the "new" and begin to question, lean it. He will answer. He will show you... "this is why."

For The Girls Who Want To Hear From Their Dads.

This entry was originally posted on Dearly Beloved. Check out their website for incredible doses of grace for your day. 

I sat in that chair in the movie theater while the credits rolled, and the ability to move vanished, leaving me paralyzed. The movie? Safe Haven. No, I wasn’t having another hopeless romantic moment. I was taken to a place of sudden realization and a romantic reaction was the farthest thing from my mind.

Shattered . . . that was me.

In this movie, there is a family. A dad, a mom, a daughter, and a son. If you want the whole story, just watch the movie. But there is a one specific part of the movie that took a knife straight into the broken pieces of my heart–pieces I had thought over the years had been mended back together–and shattered them back into a million more pieces. Picture a little kid who has a puzzle with 1000 pieces and overtime works a little at a time to finish it, and then some one comes along and knocks the puzzle off the table and he has to start all over again . . . that was me.

As the movie goes along the audience comes to find out that the mom passed away because of cancer when the kids were little. But she leaves her son and daughter these letters. A letter for her daughter on her wedding day. A letter for her son on his graduation day. A letter for the defining moments of their lives that she would miss, but that she wanted to somehow speak into.

Being almost 20, and living the past 11 years of my life without a father, there have been so many moments where I would have done almost anything to have my dad’s own words being spoken over my life. The night before my high-school graduation I sat in the floor of my mom’s closet looking at old pictures weeping, because the never ending desire of wanting to know “what would he say to me today” was consuming.

Anger is the raging fire that consumes the arsonist. That day I was the arsonist and I was going up in a million flames.

Why didn’t my dad write me letters?

Maybe you are like me. Maybe your dad knew that his days were numbered and yet still chose to leave behind nothing. Maybe you aren’t like me. Maybe your dad had no idea that his days were coming to end sooner than ever imagined. Maybe your dad isn’t physically gone at all, but he chooses to be. Maybe you dad is there, but he chooses everything else before choosing you.

Pick any of them, and I can assure you a daughter who has a father that is absent in any way is longing to hear something, anything.

The anger that birthed in my heart that day was a wildfire. It didn’t just take days to put out, it took months and months. My heart shifted though–a shift that was brought about by a simple thought of how many other girls were out there that were not only without a father too, but were without that same letter I dreamed of. You see, when our hearts make that shift from anger, resentment, pity, and sorrow to acceptance and compassion, our hearts soften. When our hearts soften they become open and willing to see purpose. I can’t write you that letter, but I can remind you of the letter that has already been written instead of the one that never was.

Right now you might be the mother of an 8 year old daughter who won’t read this post until she is older. Right now you might be the 15 year old girl dreading the idea of a sweet 16. Right now you might be the girl about to go off to college. Right now you might be the woman about to get married. It is in those moments that you are reminded again and again that he isn’t here.

Just know that no matter how much I can understand where you are, or relate to your circumstance, there is nothing I could ever give you that would be what you need. There is nothing I can ever say that will help. But Jesus can. He is what you need, and His words not only help they heal.

Jesus is what you need,
and His words not only help
they heal.

I didn’t have those letters like the characters in the movie. But Jesus walked with me hand in hand to where I am now maybe for one purpose . . . To assure those of you who don’t have your earthly father speaking over you on a day to day basis, and those of you who are left behind like me with nothing . . . that you are going to make it. Maybe my job is to assure the mom of that little girl . . . she is going to make it.

And this is why.

Nothing your earthly father could say will ever be enough.
But everything that Jesus says is enough.

That letter you are craving, you have it. It is available to you today and everyday. His word, His promises, that is the only letter you will ever need. That is the letter that will get you through those nights when you are thinking, “What would he say to me today?”

The only way to come out of it is to go through it. The only way to go through it is to admit that you are where you are.

For those of you who are in that state of anger do NOT be ashamed. The only way to come out of it is to go through it. The only way to go through it is to admit that you are where you are. It won’t go away over night, but rest in the fact that you have a Heavenly Father that is speaking out not only something, but exactly what you need to hear today and everyday.

This is what your Father writes to you. This is your letter.

To the girl who just needs to hear her father say her name:

“See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God…” (1 John 3:1)

He claims you as His child. He calls you His daughter.

To the girl who needs to know that she is not fatherless:

” . . . a father to the fatherless.” (Psalm 68:5)

He is your Father.

To the girl who wants her father to know how much pain she is in:

“Praise be to the Lord, to God our savior who daily bears our burdens.” (Psalm 68:19)

He not only sees your pain, He bears it with you.

To the girl who feels like her father doesn’t listen:

“You, Lord, know the desired of the afflicted, you encourage them, and listen to their cry.” (Psalm 10:17)

He is listening.

To the girl who feels helpless and unprotected:

” . . . defending the fatherless, and the oppressed so that mere earthly mortals will never strike terror again.” (Psalm 10:18)

He defends you.

To the girl who longs to have her father hold her:

“If you’ll hold on to me for dear life,” says God, “I’ll get you out of any trouble. I’ll give you the best of care if you’ll only get to know and trust me. Call me and I’ll answer, be at your side in bad times.”(Psalm 91:14-16)

That letter we thought was never written . . . it was written. Read it. Believe it. Cling to it. Breathe it in.

Remember,  His words are greater than anything anyone could offer you.

He knows.

Jesus my heart is scared but I know you protect me. My heart is unsure, but I know you are truth. My heart is longing, but I know you satisfy. Here is my heart Lord, speak truth over me.

That was the very prayer I wrote down in my journal right after making the decision to not go to college straight after high-school, but to instead just take a year off. 

With uncertainty dominating every part of me, the journal posts that followed were filled with such doubt. I felt so defeated. I was walking into the unknown while my friends were establishing majors and joining sororities. I needed Jesus to intervene and remove from my heart what I thought, and replace it with the truth of who He was/is. 

Today, as I look back on this year. He did just that.

[By walking through the unknown, I found the one I desperately needed to know.]

In days that could have been spent in the library, at football games on Saturdays, and the other endless things college kids do, were instead spent digging as deep as I could to the promises of His faithfulness. I had no other choice, because when I stopped being dependent of what He promised, my eyes would start fixating on all that wasn't happening, instead of focusing on all that was promised to happen.

Am I saying that my year was 10x better than those of you who did go to college, or those of you who didn't take a year off? Absolutely not. What I am saying is that as scary as the unknown is there is beauty to be found within it. The unknown, the wilderness, the desert, whatever you want to call it, all means the same thing.... it is just you and Jesus, and there is no better place to be. 

Was every day this year spent by me experiencing some new revelation of who Jesus is, nope. Some days were spent with me feeling that there was no way that my brokenness could be shattered into any more pieces, but then it would. Some days were spent with me not believing at all that Jesus was faithful. If we are honest, not all of us always choose to cling to scripture in the hard days. Some of us aren't even capable to hear the truth that scripture contains when the darkness in hovering over. I found myself in those days more this year than I ever imagined. But it was in those moments that slowly the realization started to resonate that.....

When I am unsure, He is so sure. 

When I don't know, He knows.

Colossians 2:2-3

"I want you woven into a tapestry of love, in touch with everything there is to know of God. Then you will have minds confident and at rest, focused on Christ, God's great mystery." 

God clearly tells us in scripture that He wants to take us to that place where we are in touch with everything there is to know about Him. Do I know everything there is to know about God? Nope. But last year He led me to the decision to not go to school. He led me straight into times engulfed with darkness. He led me into the unknown, but He ultimately was leading me straight to Him, and that is where I found myself time after time. At His feet, realizing at the end of it all I don't know anything. I confessed that, and rest/rested solely in that fact; He is all knowing. The path I had to go down to get to that place was not ideal, or what I would have chosen, but where I found myself in the end was knowing and discovering Jesus in a greater way, and that is always worth it. No matter what the path you are led down to get there.

So wherever you find yourself today on your path, know that Jesus is leading you straight to Him. When your vision is clouded with doubt, when the darkness makes the path invisible, when you feel like it is all crumbling down.... keep walking. You don't have to see, you don't have to know, someone is leading you, and He is leading you straight to where you need to be. 

As for me, He is leading me to start school in the fall. Yep, you read that right. This girl is going to college. I am still not positive about what I want to major in but if I learned anything this year I know that I don't have to know. I am also going to be coaching volleyball at my old high school this season, and I could not be more excited for that. For the chance to speak truth over those girls' lives, to show them Jesus, and of course help them win a couple games.

But even after everything this year....

I know there is more out there. 

There is more life to live. 

There is more people to meet.

But, most of all there is more of Jesus, and I want to go find it.

Enjoy the unknown, the wilderness, the desert. Explore all its wonders. Find the beauty. It is just you and Jesus, and there is no better company. Silence yourself. Listen to His voice. Let Him lead. He knows what He is doing.

Find Him.

Know Him. 

Come and See.

Because we took that one bite from the tree of evil, we caused our own blindness. In an instant we carved out the ability to see anything as whole. We no longer saw God as someone we could trust. We no longer saw His goodness. We saw nothing.

Nothing took complete dominion. Now everywhere we look we only see what isn't. We see deficiency. We see the holes. We see all that has been taken from us. We see the emptiness. We see the nothing. 

But Jesus came and became the nothing so we could see everything. 

This does not excuse us from stepping into something that will blind us once again.

But it ensures that there is something to see at the end of it. 

1 Corinthians 2:7, "His secret purpose framed from the very beginning is to bring us to our full glory." 

That which completely rips open your soul, causing more pain than you thought was thinkable. That which slashes holes into your heart, leaving an emptiness inside that you think you have been doomed to forever. That which splatters your sight, withdrawing all but the dark of the night. 

Those holes may actually become the thin open places to see through the shambles. To glimpse through the chaos of this world and to see the beauty beyond. Just as a child peeps through the bottom of a door trying to discover what lies behind, we peep through the holes, our wounds, to discover what is beyond. We discover Him. We see Him. The God who we endlessly crave. The God who we cry out for. The God who answers. The God who makes the blind see.

Glance through the deepest holes. Glance through the pain. Step out of the nothing. Step out of the dark. Step into the light. Be free. Be healed. He sees you.

See Him. 

Learning to Suffer Well.

When I'm there in Your glorious presence

Every knee is bowed before You

Hear the sound of heaven singing

You are worth it all

All the saints cry holy holy

Angels singing worthy worthy

Forever I will shout Your praises

You are worth it all

I let go of all I have just to have all of You

And no matter what the cost I will follow You

Jesus everything I've lost I have found in You

When I finally reach the end I'll say

You are worth it all.

-Meredith Andrews

These lyrics struck to core of my self pity today. They took a knife into the deep part of my heart that has been telling God lately, "screw you,'' and replaced it with substantial conviction. My life hasn't been butterflies and rainbows. Reality is it has been more like gravesides and addicts. These past couple days have been extremely hard, and exhausting. There is no needs to go into details, maybe one day but not today. Just know I hate drugs, and what they do to people. I have every right to throw a self pity party for myself, and at a certain point even to my friends right? I don't and neither do you.

A friend told me last night, "Adria you suffer well." But I don't and I never have. Maybe when its over and things are okay, but when I am right smack in the middle of it my flesh takes over and I tell Jesus over and over again that I don't want do this. People would be amazed at the number of times in my journal I have written that phrase, "I don't want to do this ." But maybe that is where Jesus is trying to take me. To a place where I learn to suffer well. Where I really grasp what it says in James, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds." 

I told another friend the day before through a text message:

Jesus sure is stretching my prayer life. What 19 year old has to pray the things I pray? I swear, it's not fair, and I know this is what Jesus has called me to, but right now I sure as hell wish we (my family) could catch a break. 

(sorry for the language, but that is just reality sometimes)

Even after everything the 19 years of my life have entailed I still haven't learned the verse so many of us quote. [To consider it joy]. Maybe that's why I keep getting hit by things left and right, because I have never considered it joy. I feel like Jesus is up there saying to me, "daughter, what is it going to take for you to learn. I guess we will see how far I am going to have to take you until you get it."

If you are like me you are thinking how? How do you consider it joy? As you can see I haven't figured that out yet. But I think the lyrics to Meredith Andrews song entail the answer, we just have to learn to apply it. 

[Jesus is worth it]

"I let go of all I have just to have all of You.

And no matter what the cost I will follow You

Jesus everything I've lost I have found in You

When I finally reach the end I'll say,

You are worth it all."

If I really believe Jesus is worth it all, it doesn't matter what I stand face to face with; I'll choose joy. If I proclaim that no matter what the cost I will follow Him then whatever He calls me to give up or give to Him will be worth it; I'll choose joy. If I believe no matter what I lose, I will still find it in Him then it won't matter what He takes from me; I'll choose joy. Because I know when I do reach the end I won't hesitate to bow before Him in His glorious presence and tell Him, "It was all worth it." But I want to be able to say that now. At the end of the hardest day I wan't to be able to say, "Jesus you are worth it all." I wan't to learn to suffer well.

Jesus, forgive us for how we respond to suffering. Teach us to suffer well. Teach us to choose joy. 

A friend of mine ends every blog post he writes in the same way, "still learning," and every time I read that I love it more. That is exactly where I am right now. Still learning.....